Day #60 > TUESDAY 22nd DECEMBER
D-Day: Doctor Day!
We’re finally off to see the doc all together – something that Bob has flatly refused before now, so it’s quite a thing. We’re off to talk about the future & it hinges on Bob quitting the drink, so quite a sombre start to the day, & Mum’s a little confused & Bob is very quiet. I wonder if I’m walking into an ambush, but suspect Bob’s done a number on Mum last night & this morning before I was up, so I ensure I’m nice, bright & warm to shine a bit of light to them both before we set off at 9.15am.
Car ride is quiet, but Mum asks what we’re going to the docs for & if we’ll all go in together? I confirm we’re off to discuss the future, as much progress has been made, but HE wants to see us all together to give us a hand with choosing the right path. She likes this. But Bob voices he wants Mum to go in alone. Sigh.
I counter that I arranged this appointment on the recommendation of Dr. Lyle for all of us to visit together, & if Bob wanted Mum to speak to the doc alone then perhaps he could’ve made an appointment previously . . .
The silence was deafening. So I broke it with some chit-chat to Mum about how lovely & blue the sky was & sun just makes everything better. She smiled.
An hours wait at the docs, which isn’t unusual & I continued to make chitter-chatter to lighten Mum’s mood, & eventually we were all called through.
Dr. Lyle was on good form. He greeted us all – of course – & gave his impression of the situation we were embroiled in, which was basically the ageing husband & wife who were suffering with the effects of alcohol but couldn’t see it themselves, who’s son has come to help – he called me an angel – but the two men are butting heads as they’re both trying to care for the wife/mother.
We all confirmed that ultimately we wanted Mum to be happy & safe – & married if she wanted to be! – but at the moment there were issues. Big issues. And Bob needed to be aware of these issues & things must change, as they could not carry on as they were before. Bob squirmed, of course, but the doc held him accountable, & I have to say it was in a very controlled & effective way – unthreatening & empathetic, yet firm & not open to discussion. Bob seemed to take the doc’s authority well. To start with anyway . . .
As we each voiced our wishes & concerns: Mum first who simply wanted everyone to get on & be happy; I confirmed the state of play when I arrived – along with sharing Gina’s testimony of her experiences of Deweyland as a neighbour – & that now Mum was dry, clean of meds & Bob was maintaining he was dry – despite wasting a month of our lives by lying – & that all any of us wanted was Mum to be loved. Loved, cared for, empathised for, kept mentally stimulated & kept safe. If Bob showed Mum love – rather than the normal abandonment he shows every day by immersing himself in the TV – then there would simply be no need for me to be there, therefore pleasing Bob, not to mention Mum having a loving & caring husband. I voiced that all we could do right now is support Bob in his walk without drink & keep showing Mum love & care, as I believe if I were to leave now then both Bob & Mum could easily return back to how they were before, as Bob won’t be answerable to anyone & Mum will deteriorate without my presence in her life, as Bob doesn’t include her in anything & causes her stress with his attitude towards her.
When it came to Bob’s turn it was plainly obvious that the issue was me rather than Mum’s well-being, so again the doc put him under the spotlight & advised what would work & what wouldn’t; for example, he should not put Mum in a position where she’s forced to choose between her son & him, & that he is expected to be able to take care of his wife – both physically & mentally.
As you may imagine, my views & experiences didn’t go down too well with Bob & was rebutted with the expected lies, skewed truth, distorted context, personal digs & finger wagging, but every time he finished a point I countered with my own version of reality which, I believe, as well as being the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth so help me God, also made perfect logical & emotional sense to both Mum & the doc. Especially the doc, who was quoting biblical references much to my delight. Seems I have an ally. Hallelujah.
Ultimately there wasn’t too much the doc could do though – although it is very reassuring to know that he sees the value in my visit & the improvement in Mum, along with recognising there are serious problems at home with or without me – but realistically Step 01 to healing & a happy future is to get Bob help with quitting the booze, which simply didn’t materialise today. I’m greatly saddened by this & think we’ve missed a trick but we did all agree that Bob & Mum needed counselling – along with me too if I’m here – & Bob agreed to call the counsellor today. Which is progress. Is it enough progress? Will it change anything? I truly don’t know. My head says ‘Naaa, it won’t change a thing, as he’s king of his own castle’, but my heart says trust God trust God trust God, as it’s clear things are shifting here. So, I await news that an appointment has been made for counselling.
In the meantime I shall confirm the news to Gina & Jane, plus document all to Social Services as I’m aware my time here is running out. My heart is telling me that the moment I leave Mum will go down hill again in this dark atmosphere, so it’s crossed my mind (or was it put in my heart?) to say I’m leaving, get a lift from Gina to the airport – to save the Dewey’s the hassle & saying horrible goodbyes – & then go & stay in a hotel for a week. Then I can give Mum a week alone with Bob & return unannounced to get a good picture of how Mum has coped with him alone. I believe Bob will be The Real Bob within 30 seconds of me leaving the building, so a week should be enough to determine if I should stay or go -gonna sleep on that one.
We returned home around lunchtime – it was quite a chat eh! Once back, we had lunch – Apple pie & cheese for the Deweys! Bob had apple pie for breakfast too – this is what real life is like here, & I can’t fight it, as much as I’d like to, but he’s hell-bent on self-destruction. Sigh.
I notice the fridge is still filthy. Properly filthy – dangerous. I take Bob to task over cleaning the fridge & he feeds me some ole tosh, which I don’t accept & end the conversation smartly with ‘it’s dangerous – it needs cleaning.’ I took Mum & Abel for a long walk to get some fresh air. Mum was a little quiet, & said she was very touched that we all cared so much for her & that she didn’t want to waste her life. I reassured her that care is ‘normal’ & we want the very best for her too – plus she’s simply not on her own whatever she chooses for her future.
She’s loved & not alone – that’s all any of us need right?
Once back we had a cuppa – naturally – then we both had a siesta! Once back in the real world a couple of hours later she said she’d had a good little sleep & had just cleaned the fridge but Bob was being a bear. she’d cleaned the fridge. Sigh sigh sigh. Really. Are you sure I’m not allowed to kick his arse out of here?
Bob has been on his throne all afternoon – despite making threats about getting firewood earlier – but has now arisen to make dinner & I’m typing this up, wondering if anything will ever change around here. I’m fully behind Mum if she wants to spend her life with Bob in it, but I can’t see why she’d want to do that!
Take a deep breath. If only there was a beer in the house . . .
I caught up with messages until dinner was ready – which today featured salt cheeseburgers. I say salt as it reminded me of salt cod, but these were meat, with even more salt. I wonder if the Dewey’s ones are as salty?
We chatted & Bob asked Mum if she’d told me about the counselling? I raised my eyes to the sky, in exasperation as to why once again he would put her under the spotlight to remember something – perhaps it was so he didn’t have to admit that he’d gone along with counselling now? Who knows. Who cares – at least it’s happening! Well, upshot is the appointment is for the 10th of . . . February!
Mmm, I commented that that was a very long wait, & Bob agreed. He said he’d left a message for Dr Lyle asking if he had any other recommendations. Good. I suspect Bob is fully aware that the sooner we all start counselling the sooner I’ll be heading out of the door . . .
Jeopardy. Bed.
Reflecting on the day I do feel that Bob’s addiction hasn’t been addressed, but counselling will at least make him accountable to someone! I’m praying it happens sooner rather than later, as I definitely want to be included in one or two sessions . . .