As the days go by we work on our plans to visit the US of Arrangements for the funeral, with Jane confirming she’ll be arriving within a few days, so will be there before me as I’ll need to get back to the UK first. I confirm to the ladies that I’d like my plans to remain off Gina’s radar for the time-being, as my gut feeling is that the funeral may be brought forward to before my arrival date so want to err on the side of caution & avoid any risk. Cynical? Yep, you betchya. Guilty as charged.
A couple of days later Jane confirms she won’t be arriving until the 23rd & asks if Gina knows my plans. I remind her that as she blocked me I’ve had no contact with Gina, so unless either Jane or Brenda have told her my plans she won’t know, & I’m happy with it staying that way, because as I see it apart from arranging the funeral details, Gina’s role as PoA has effectively ceased upon Mum’s death, so there’s no need for me to speak with her again. She brought great strife to my life, & I’m happy to move forward without Gina in it. That chapter is done, let’s move forward. I have.
There’s no news on the funeral details yet but it shouldn’t be too far away now, & seeing as Jane’s not due to arrive in the US of A-mourning another few days I wait until I touch back down in the UK on the 22nd to book all from home, but discover that as I have a new shiny passport my existing valid ESTA issued last month is now invalid – – so I need to apply & pay for this US of Allowed In visa again. Meh. Seconds away from confirming all, the bloomin’ ESTA website crashes which leaves me in limbo. Argh. I can’t complete my visa application & I can’t book flights without it. Yikes. I’m left dangling for a couple more days pulling my non-existent hair out & am I’m seriously worried I’ll miss the funeral if I don’t arrive pretty sharpish, but finally on the 24th my application is processed & am confirmed ‘clean’ & allowed to visit, so book my flights for the next available day, finally heading to the US of Wow The Price of Flights Has Gone Up Hugely on Wednesday 26th. Phew.
I confirm all with Jane – who let’s me know she’ll now be arriving on the 25th – so only a day earlier than me – & that we should all stay at Warner Woods together like a family & see how we all get on, plus again asks me if I’ve told Gina.
Oh. I remind her again again that Gina blocked me so of course I haven’t told her – how could I?! – & I’d like it to stay that way please. Jane replies that she thinks Gina should know before I show up.
Oh. Why?
‘Because I think she should know, what’s done is done we need to move on.’ Comes the reply.
Oh. My.
Do I think differently to everyone? Am I really a difficult oddball that ruffles feathers & causes issues wherever I go or am I the only one with a sense of right from wrong here & able to discern toxic behaviour along with actively wanting to avoid it, focussing on what’s healthy? Time will tell eh.
I let Jane know that it is exactly because what is done is done that gives me the freedom to not communicate any further & personally move on myself, so I’m not losing any sleep over it as that chapter’s closed, so no need for any further discussion on my part.
I do, however, pray that Gina reflects on what’s happened & gains some empathy & bedside manner, as I wouldn’t want anyone else to experience how we’ve been treated. You know, the only thing we’re actually commanded to do in the Lord’s Prayer is to ‘forgive others who trespass against us’, & this nugget brings life out of death’s clutches so I forgive – but not forget – & leave all at the foot of the cross. I also pray that I gain insight & grace too, as I’m well-aware I’m not the easiest person to deal with & it’s a two-way street because none of us are whiter than white eh.
We both fly as planned & during the brief wait for my connection at ATL I receive news that the funeral won’t be till the 8th. Ha! All this stress & Go-Go-Go! for nothing as the funeral has taken longer than anyone expected because, & I quote, ‘Gina has had to match calendars with the cathedral’ . . .
I duly arrive at Warner Woods after around 18 hours travelling at 8.00pm-ish local time & am greeted warmly by Jane & John. We chatty over her homemade spaghetti & a bottle of red (or was it beers? Probably both) & catch up properly face-to-face – what a refreshing change!
The atmosphere here is very different to what I remember Warner Woods being like previously; sure there’s a Mum-shaped hole & an emptiness, but it’s warmer – actually it’s both visually, physically & spiritually ‘lighter’ in every way. Interesting.
Plus of course Gina is well-aware of my arrival.
We have the best part of two weeks until Mum’s funeral, so keep active & we get to know each other a little better by walking the local trails along with chatting about pretty much anything & everything. Naturally I ‘squeeze’ in some shopping time for elusive US of Amazing stuff, & by night we put the world to rights & work our way through Publix fine beer & wine section whilst making our way through the impressive Warner Woods library of photo albums.
Brenda & Trip are with us too, offering unceasing help, support & kindness in so many ways.
I manage to catch up with Den, Jen, Rebecca et al at Kingdom Life Church in Fort Mill a few times – actually, do watch them HERE – you’ll be very glad you did!
Brenda & Trip invite us up to their place in the mountains near the North Carolina ’n’ Tennessee border for a few lovely early summer days which was a real high point – literally!
One evening at Warner Woods Jane tells me that she’s been asked to write an obituary for Mum. I’m stunned, because I actually hear the word ‘eulogy’ rather than ‘obituary’ & ask why I wasn’t involved. I say that I feel I’ve been excluded during this journey, & I’m trying to work out whether it’s my rejection button being pressed or if it’s real & I am being bypassed.
Jane’s upset, I’m frustrated & John’s annoyed. But we’re grown-ups, & as we talk it out very quickly it becomes apparent it’s the former option in this instance, as my rejection button is being pushed because quite obviously Jane simply knew Mum much longer than I did, so wrote it!
I feel a fool; I acknowledge I’ve really over-reacted & apologise as strongly as I can. I’m no angel & tact is far from my strong point & it’s the second time I’ve done this with Jane. It hits home hard & I believe change happened within me after seeing the fallout of this over-reaction, but am delighted that the whole mess ended with a restorative heart-to-heart & hug, which really cleared the air. Lesson learned.
Here are Jane’s lovely words verbatim:
Obituary
My sister Susan passed away peacefully on the 15th April 2023. Susan was born in Manchester, England on the 6th October 1943 to Helena and Harry Burns.
As a child, Susan proved to be a gifted horsewoman; her love and empathy for these beautiful creatures led to a long and fulfilled journey from pony club activities, to dressage, to cross country eventing and she eventually excelled as a talented show jumper, which she continued into her early twenties.
Susan’s journey then took her to Rochester, USA, where she settled with family members until meeting ‘Bob’ Dewey. They were married in the mid-seventies; a marriage that lasted for well over 40 years until the passing of Bob in November 2022. During their marriage they travelled, due to Bob’s work, to many places; from Rochester, New York, to Peachtree City, where she and Bob became avid members of the local running community (with Susan winning many races). From four legs to two, she excelled! Their next stop was Bahrain, followed by Cyprus, and they eventually returned to the US in the early 1990’s. Upon return, they initially settled in Ohio before moving to Lexington, South Carolina.
Susan, not one to sit and just ‘be’, became an avid gardener; gaining a ‘Master Gardener’ qualification which took her to volunteer, and eventually work, at Riverbanks Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Lexington. Susan played a big part in the early planning of the Botanical Garden helping it on its way to becoming the beautiful place that it is today. Along the way, Susan took to sewing and cooking, especially baking, not forgetting the hours she spent transforming the woodland of their backyard into a thriving place of beautiful flowers and sumptuous vegetables. Her beautiful cross stitch hangings decorate many of the walls in our homes and her baking is fondly remembered by many close friends and the community of Trinity Cathedral. On Susan’s retirement, both she and Bob involved themselves in the Trinity community where Susan made many good friends, adorned the cathedral with numerous beautiful flower arrangements, helped along with Bob in the kitchen and baked endless cakes for after-funeral tea receptions!
Susan will be especially remembered for her kindness and welcoming personality and for making every person she met feel so special – she will be so sadly missed by us all.
Susan leaves behind me, Jane Shanahan, her only sister, and her son, Tim. Our wider family is spread across the globe with relatives in Greece, America, Hong Kong, England and Australia. Her many friends and neighbors of Warner Woods who have given so much to Susan with their love, time and care for which we will always be truly grateful. Many will remember Susan as the beautiful young lady you see in the picture.
We will celebrate Susan’s life at 4:00 p.m. Monday, May 8, 2023 at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral, 1100 Sumter Street, Columbia, SC 29201. Let us all remember her inner and outer beauty as she enters a world of peace and lightness for eternity.
Barr-Price Funeral Home, Lexington Chapel, is assisting the family. Memories and condolences may be shared at barr-price.com
Cousin Martin arrives on the 7th from Louisiana. Bear with me, Martin is Mum’s Mum’s sister’s son – so quite probably first & removed, but quite definitely a cousin. It’s the first time we’ve met & he’s a joy to be around – full of life yet a realist – a cross between Peter Kay & Victor Meldrew. Ahem. He’s got a couple of years on me, but despite living in the US of Accents for many years he still retains his finely tuned British plum from his upbringing in deepest darkest Leigh-on-Sea. Triffic. I join him along with Jane & John late in the afternoon – I’d been to church beforehand – & spend an amusing few hours eating average Greek food & drinking fine European beer. Well, it’s in the blood dontchya know.
The Day finally arrives & the 8th greets us with heat & the most marvellous clear deep blue sky; we all meet up again in the morning before the funeral & have lunch at an Irish bar. Yep, that’s in my blood too.
I’ve never had any real family you know – blood I mean, apart from obviously Susan-Mum & my two daughters – & it was refreshing & bizarrely familiar to spend time with Jane, John & Martin now – I noted at the time it was as if I’d known them all my life. A connection. A real pleasure, even in these circumstances.
The funeral wasn’t until 4.00pm, so we didn’t have to rush but all were suited & booted in good time. I drove – seriously, I didn’t want alcohol to play any role in my day, it’s already caused enough carnage in this family when abused – so left in good time to scoop up Martin en-route & arrived at the Cathedral to celebrate Mum’s life in somber & reflective mood.
The service was formal & slightly surreal; Trinity Episcopalian Cathedral is indeed a very formal & slightly surreal place to worship in – seemingly fuelled by religious tradition & pomp & circumstance – but it felt right to be there as that was Mum’s chosen place of worship. All passed without incident & Mum was laid to rest in a bone China teapot presented by the wife of the Governor of South Carolina as a nod to Mum’s heritage, & she was placed to rest alongside Bob in the Columbarium with much ceremony. Well, apart from the bright yellow B&Q ladder used to get her up there . . .
Mum’s long-gone; she’s in a better place now as her spirit is with the Lord & all that remains in that piece of fine Spode is dust. Dust to dust . . .
Oh, the teapot wasn’t quite big enough so I have some of Mum with me too, & she will be scattered around Epping forest as soon as we get a summer . . .
Once the formalities were completed, we all made our way for lemonade & cakes in a big hall at the Cathedral & oh my word, what an experience that was! A true highlight in my entire life, I found the outpouring of love for Mum absolutely incredible, as friend after friend kept on coming to introduce them self & let me know how special Mum was & how she was dearly loved, plus on a personal note I reeled from the sheer number of times I heard ‘we knew all about you & you really lit up her life.’ Honestly, it was more than heart-warming – it was heart-healing & life-affirming . . .
I spent the last 15 minutes or so chatting with a very special very elderly lady who I really felt was an angel – truly – who reinforced the above lovely words & left her imprint on my heart. Astonishing.
I was no secret & my Mum was proud of me. I was literally healed from rejection in that room.
I didn’t take a single photograph – which is hugely unusual for me – but we managed to take one faaaam-lee group shot afterwards, although it looks more Sopranos than Maroulis
L-R > Cassie, John, Jane, Martin & me.
The official wake was at a local restaurant & our round table of Jane, John, Martin, Brenda, Trip & I was a hoot. Mum was truly celebrated that day & the feeling of unity was strong. Gina & her family plus one of Mum’s carer’s came too, but were seated at a different table & we didn’t cross paths. No need – dis-ease breeds disease . . .
It was a shame Mum wasn’t there too, she would’ve loved it.
I leave for Blighty the very next day. Yep. I’ve essentially been away for the best part of a whole month & logistically & financially work is suffering so I need to get back to reality, as Mum has been honoured & I’ve said my goodbyes. Actually, I’m bringing some of her back, but shhhh because she’s currently looking a little too much like a certain recreational white powder than I would prefer . . .
I pack, say my heartfelt goodbyes to Jane & John – plus Brenda & Trip pop round for hugs too – & am away by 11.00am. I’m not one for long goodbyes, but do feel the need to say that without these four people this whole journey would’ve been a much poorer ride – & I mean the whole journey I’ve had with Susan-Mum, not just this visit to the US of Adios. I’ve truly felt part of something, & that is priceless.
Unlike filling up the hire car . . .
All goes to plan except when checking in my luggage – which now contains a hefty amount of ‘Mum Memorabilia’ – my suitcase either had to lose 10lbs/4.5kg or I needed to pay the $95 overweight charge, but when I explained the reason behind my visit & haul of family history the maths miraculously added up to decanting just one T-shirt & a single shoe to hand luggage
Then . . .
My heavyweight hand luggage was flagged at security. Here we go, rubber glove time . . .
As it was so rammed full it took what seemed like an eternity to persuade the zip to finally open, but once eventually released the suspect item popped into view, which was of course . . . a lead weight lamp base!
Nothing like travelling light, & this was nothing like travelling light. Ask my back about it.
It was the one item of ‘furniture’ that I wanted to keep from Warner Woods – I can’t explain why, I just liked it. My keepsake:
Security actually laughed out loud when I told them it was a heavy lead base to a desk lamp, & the rest of the lamp was in my ‘heavy & fragile’ checked-in suitcase.
20 mins later I’d finally managed to squeeze all back into the overloaded – but not weighed – hand luggage case & managed to zip it most of the way closed & was on my merry way
Flights went to plan & I was scooped up by Lia from Heathrow early the next morning & arrived back home a more complete & content man than when I left.
What a journey.
What a journey indeed – physically, emotionally & spiritually – as initially I started this blog as a place to store the photographs of my trip to visit Mum during the Covid plandemic, but it quickly became apparent that jotting down my warts ’n’ all daily walk was hugely cathartic – along with being mildly entertaining – giving me an avenue to process & vent my daily experiences. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would end like it did – actually, never in my wildest dreams did I think most of it would happen at all – but truth’s stranger than fiction eh . . .
Reflecting upon all – from meeting Mum six years ago right through till this very moment in front of the keyboard – I’m incredibly moved that after 50 years of feeling a mis-fit & loner not knowing where I came from or what made me ‘me’, I was ultimately blessed with finding my birth Mother who gave me the answers to my conscious & subconscious questions along with a really good handle on who she was too, plus to complete the picture she revealed who my birth Father was too, but that’s for another blog another day eh . . .
We all know about how physical features are passed down the generations – & often sideways as well as straight down the line, so uncle or aunt to nephew or niece etc – but of course it’s deeper than that, far deeper, as character traits, mannerisms & ultimately blessings & curses are passed in the DNA too. Personally I found it hugely healing, reassuring & interesting to get to know my birth Mum, as our time together showed me the differences between nature & nurture along with why we think & feel like we do, which ultimately has given me a much healthier view of relationships in general along with great insight into what makes us ‘us’. Despite still being work-in-progress, I feel a sense of being ‘complete’. Odd I know in today’s world where it seems like it’s every man for himself & anything goes, but for me personally I’ve really needed to know who God chose to create the fearfully & wonderfully made me.
I realised very early on that despite thinking I was embarking on my search & subsequent journey because of my own curiosity, the reality was that I craved my own Mother’s love – I needed her acceptance & approval – which was life-changing & life-affirming to receive, but what became more & more apparent was that Mum was released from her own guilt of giving me away that she carried for 50 years, giving her the freedom to experience true unconditional love too before she went to a better place.
Her passing seems such a terrible waste – I could use harsher words, much harsher – but ultimately vividly illustrates how our life choices can influence our death, but our journey together defined this memoir’s title perfectly: ‘What is Love?’
Let’s end with some shots from the numerous Warner Woods albums showing the real Susan:
Finally, here’s my all-time favourite shot I took of her, showing much life behind those piercing eyes when faced with coffee, cake & care:
She wasn’t mad at all, just unloved.
R.I.P. Mum, you’ll be truly missed.
