Day #47 > WEDNESDAY 9th DECEMBER
Up early as follow-up appointment with Dr. Lyle today. Mum is a little disorientated – & nothing will surprise me today as I expect Bob to be at his worst because Mum’s visiting the docs with me & without him.
Mum & I get all needed together for walking Abel & head on out into the cold to see our first frost this season.
As we walk she confirms she doesn’t want to leave Bob. Ok. I say that isn’t really on the agenda as she’s told him if he doesn’t stop drinking she can’t live with him any more & he’s agreed to stop – so unless he chooses to continue drinking then you won’t be leaving him, although it would be a wise move to head off for a vacation whilst he’s getting sober as long as we know he’s getting help. ‘I can’t leave him alone,’ she says. I say she may have no option, as a recovering addict is a dangerous proposition for a lady who needs help in her daily life – such as cooking, driving & ensuring she’s ok – as Bob isn’t able to provide that. But but but – that’s why we’re going to the docs today, to discuss a way forward & talk about the future. She seems reassured & comforted by this – & as much as I truly feel Bob is bad news for Mum’s health & spirit, I understand that she cannot dessert him, as her guilt will simply consume her. I point out that she has a nursing home to look forward to when Bob decides he cannot cope any longer if she chooses to stay with him as he is, so yes, we’re doing all we can to ensure he receives help for his own issues. Again, she grasps all.
We make it to the docs without incident, & docs visit is very encouraging: due to our messaging he’s fully aware of Bob’s alcohol dependency & addresses all with Mum, including asking her what her Gold Standard future will be, which would be for Bob to get dry, to get happy & for us all – including me – to live harmoniously. Doc Lyle confirms that unless Bob admits he has a problem that it will be impossible to achieve the Gold Standard, in which case we should look at arranging care in the home for Mum & the possibility of not being able to continue as we are.
I give the doc the full beans – narcissism, risk, back to square one, nursing home etc., etc. – & he agrees, including that communication may well break down when I leave & that it will be very hard to return given the current Covid situation.
It’s confirmed that as Bob has made an appointment for him & Mum to visit the doc tomorrow, the doc will essentially discover whether Bob admits he has a problem or not; if he does, then the doc can offer help, support & direction of how to quit for good; but if Bob doesn’t admit he has a problem then it’s up to Mum & me to sort out care for Mum, & he acknowledged there’d still be all the risks we’re currently facing – it simply will not get any better. He also confirms that Mum absolutely has ’self-determination’, so is definitely able to make her own decisions, & that a Power of Attorney for health only really applies to resuscitation orders & similar, so that it’s of no legal benefit right at this moment in time. Mum is on fire – very sharp & held focus & subject perfectly all the way through. Fantastic – ‘Old Mum’ was back in the room!
Mum is very happy with the appointment & all outcomes – she confirms she understood all & knew it needed to be discussed; she confirms it’s given her a sense of direction & that she’s not alone in this world. I also add that it also shows it’s not just me who thinks there’s an issue at home, & that although in her world Bob has spent 40 years making all the decisions & supposedly taking care of her, right now many decisions, choices & risks are definitely not in Mum’s best interests, hence the concern of others & me taking the lead in ensuring she’s ok. Gina has written a lovely letter confirming all too – the massive change within the last month or so – & Mum is further buoyed by this.
We stop off for lunch at Zoe’s Kitchen – Greek, lovely – we both eat like hogs outside as the weather is terrific & then head back. Mum greets Bob – naturally he’s sitting on his throne – & tells him all went well & the doc is looking forward to seeing him tomorrow very much. I chortle at this – as Bob must’ve been concerned about what we were saying, so for Mum to confirm the doc wants to see Bob will have hit home, plus Bob’s got steak out thawing on the worktop, so it must be a special day . . .
No more is said on the subject – which baffles me, but hey, they communicate their way right, not my way – until I volunteer that the doc was very happy with Mum’s progress – very happy indeed – but I held back mentioning about the confirmation of ’self-determination’, as I have this nagging feeling that Bob’s going to call the legal shots at some point in the future, trying to trump me with a legal shout about something – so best I know the facts & the system ahead of that time. I pray it doesn’t happen, of course.
We walk Abel & Mum’s on great form still – as she has been all day today – & we have a lovely chat, return for a well-earned cup of tea & a cookie or two, before I head on upstairs to do a bit of work & have a siesta myself. Deep emotions are still tiring to me – & I’m going through the mill myself as I simply know Mum would be happier, healthier & infinitely more ‘Mum’ without Bob, but I also know she’s married to him & that bond & guilt means leaving him overrides any self-preservation she has for herself. She’s a truly kind-hearted soul, but I pray she learns the value of herself at this point in her life.
Back down at 6pm, Bob’s been cooking the steak for a few hours – 😳🙄 – & we eat Bob’s Super Steak Soup, which includes pearl barley which to be honest isn’t too bad at all. Eat, Jeopardy, bed – as per.