Day #36 > SATURDAY 28th NOVEMBER
Up around 9.00am & Mum doesn’t have her collar. Sigh. She has breakfast & I have coffee. She seems a little forgetful this morning, but comfortable in herself. I remind her of her collar – in earshot of Bob of course – & he replies immediately it’s by her sink in the en-suite. Sigh again. Oh my – I really don’t know what to do with the obvious fact that he knows where it is but hasn’t deemed it necessary for her to actually wear the thing! Argh. I go & get it – of course – but it wasn’t there. I search but Mum actually finds it & we go & walk. I mention the above to Mum & she clearly gets the underlying issue & has no explanation for it. Me neither Mum, me neither! We bump into Trip & I tell him how Mum has change so much in the last few weeks, including Charleston & how she regressed once we returned; she just simply needs mental stimulation & something to do! Trip agreed. Mum agreed. What a shame Bob wasn’t there . . .
Trip also tells us his wife Brenda fell on Wednesday & has broken her ankle, so is suffering. We both offered our help in any way possible, & Mum said she’d give her a call for a catch-up. First time I’d heard Mum even think about calling A. N. Other for a chat so I was mightily heartened by this, as she clearly loves people & is now confident enough to interact with friends – hoorah! – I can’t emphasise enough how important this is to her welfare & how much she’s missed the company & companionship of others, & I feel the underlying issue is that Bob has battered her self-confidence so she believes she’s going (or actually is) potty so hasn’t wanted to show this to others.
I mentioned Church again, & Mum confirmed she’d like to come – whoop! I ran it past her & she agreed entirely & confirmed yet again she gets nothing from her own church. We talked about inviting Bob but both thought he would not want to go, & given previous conversations he may not want Mum to go either. I explained I thought that if he told her he didn’t want her to go it would be far worse than being simply ‘odd’, because he doesn’t take Mum to Trinity anyway so what could he possibly have against you spending some time of your week focussing on God? Perhaps he views my Church as an exclusive club I said? Perhaps it’s because he’s not in control. Either way, fellowship is vital & I always return uplifted. She agreed that I did indeed return uplifted & said she definitely wanted to come. I smiled inside. An additional benefit of her coming is that she won’t be subjected to four hours of Bob watching TV & being ignored.
Got back & had breakfast in the den; Mum told Bob she wanted to go to ‘my’ Church tomorrow & she’d love him to come too. Go Mum! I agreed & we both fluttered our eyelids to plead. He said he couldn’t because he was cooking the turkey. Ha. Mum said he was far more important than any turkey. He then said he couldn’t sit in the car for that long; ‘Rubbish!’ Said Mum, ‘You sit in that chair for hours & hours!’. Go Mum Go Mum Go Mum. I laughed out loud – I couldn’t help it! I then said a Grand Prix was on so it was a big ask for Bob to come, Mum agreed & Bob turned the TV volume up & focussed back on that, giving us the signal that we’d overrun our allotted five minute attention span . . .
I did my laptop stuff including composing my message to Dr. Lyle to send on Monday, before heading out to the shops at around 2.00pm-ish with Mum, as I’d like a woolly hat as it’s getting cold in the mornings now. I find it incredibly poignant that when I asked if she’d like to come with me, she’d rather come & rummage around clothes shops for hats than spend a little bit of time alone with her husband. Terribly sad actually, but again I’m aware inside that it’s confirmation of what I already know rather than new news. I do feel so sorry for her that her life has come to this.
We’re out for 90 minutes or so – & yes, I find a woolly hat – and a pair of nice Levis for $25.00 too, thank you Lord – & once we’re back we have a lovely cup of tea, chew the fat some more & then walk Abel again. Afterwards I amuse myself for a while before witnessing this fabulous exchange between both proud parents of a little spoilt Jack Russell-cross-with-something-or-other only child:
Mum: We need to feed Abel.
Bob: Not yet. I’ll do it later Susan.
Mum: He’s hungry Bob – I’ll go & feed him.
Bob: No Susan, I’ll do it later.
Mum: He’s hungry Bob – I’ll go & feed him.
Bob: No Susan, I’ll do it later.
Mum: He’s hungry Bob – I’ll go & feed him.
Bob relents & feeds Abel.
Abel doesn’t eat
Mum: Why did you feed Abel Bob?
Bob: Because you said to.
Mum: What the heck did you feed him, he clearly doesn’t like it!
🤣🤣🤣
Tonight’s dinner is left-over roast beef cooked well-well-well-done with gravy out of a can, boiled potatoes & beans, also out of a can. To be fair the gravy was meaty & I was starving so I didn’t complain! Mum ate well as usual. Cookie for dessert.
After dinner I checked my phone to see a missed message from Jane in HK, asking if we were free for a quick group chatty. I replied ‘of course’ immediately & set up the laptop with an external speaker so we could all hear. Bob came in the den with me – although I’d bet the family silver that he wouldn’t join in the actual conversation, & Mum was in the kitchen chatting with her broken neighbour Brenda on the phone.
I set all up & began chatting with Jane, & true to form just as we connect Bob heads out of the den into the kitchen – no doubt to tell Mum that her Sister’s on the line, despite the fact she’s chatting to a friend clearly in need. Ho hum. Well, then a funny thing happened – Abel started barking very animatedly over by Bob’s throne & then jumped up at the side table to see what was on it. I can’t hear Jane over the barking so I walk over to see what the heck’s going on – expecting to see a deer making faces at the window or somesuch – but all I see is a plastic beaker on the floor down by the side of Bob’s throne containing a very dehydrated piss-coloured liquid.
Well, just imagine, if you will, my surprise.
Now times that surprise factor by two when I sniff it.
Oh dear oh dear.
Whiskey.
Again, it confirms what I already knew, but I had to wait for him to show himself.
Well, fanfares ahoy as I was able to pick up the beaker, ceremoniously show it to Mum & tell her it was whiskey, then the same to Bob who had now appeared in the doorway & finally I got the full hat-trick by showing it to Jane via video call so she could witness it too.
‘Whiskey Bob.’ I said, still standing but now turned to face him. ‘Oh dear’. He muttered something about ’sometimes’ but I turned my back & sat down on the sofa, continuing my call with Jane, as there was no way I was entering into conversation with a lying alcoholic who clearly had been at the whiskey, as it wouldn’t end well. And there’d be witnesses 😉
Our video call continued, & Mum remained composed. Bob stayed away for a good five minutes, but eventually reappeared to sit on his throne & study his tablet, completely ignoring our chat.
We didn’t pull our punches.
We started with Thanksgiving, & I explained about Bob having beer there & Mum having a taste – which I felt was a huge risk, but it appeared that Mum didn’t need the booze, despite Bob’s best efforts. Bob sitting outside alone whilst Mum did the rounds socialising inside, that kind of thing. Jane probed a little on what the future holds – especially with the confirmation that Bob’s still on the sauce – & I confirmed that Bob’s holding the cards & is adamant there’s no other option either than continuing as they are in this house or just Mum going into a care home. We discussed other options amongst ourselves – including assisted living – & I confirmed that I would stay here indefinitely – certainly until I was sure that she was safe. Bob remained silent. He was so silent it was deafening. We had a lovely chat & Mum was on form, which was a joy to see, as I had had to pray away the anger & disappointment there & then that I was personally experiencing, so can only imagine the hurt she was feeling after giving Bob the ‘it’s me or the whiskey’ ultimatum & him choosing his amber mistress.
After our chat with Jane ended both Mum & I went in the kitchen to make a coffee, & touched lightly on what had just happened. ‘Are you angry?’ She asked me. Well, let me think! ’No Mum, not angry, just very disappointed & sad that Bob has not only lied to my face & deceived me, but also couldn’t keep his word to you & thinks it’s ok to treat you like this.’ She agreed. We pinged it back & forth a little but I attempted to keep it as light as possible & ended it with trying to advise Mum that whatever happened tonight, it would be foolish to enter into any serious conversation with Bob as he has been drinking whiskey. Simples.
I’m sure he will be very happy to make you very happy over the next few days I said, so no rush & tonight after he’s clearly been drinking will not go well, so please let’s just have an early night, get up & go to Church tomorrow – where we can pray about all – & then see what state we find Bob in tomorrow afternoon; then we both can handle it together from there. She beamed. She liked the plan. I pray it spoke to her heart & that the Lord will keep her safe, sound & rested overnight & keep on shining his light in her head & heart.
I walked back into the den & Bob walked out to join Mum in the kitchen. They spoke indiscriminately but I could pick out the word ‘embarrassed’ by Bob & that he drinks whiskey ‘occasionally’. I also picked out him saying that a lot of decisions were being made without him & that he & Mum had some talking to do.
There & then I prayed. I truly prayed from the heart – I prayed for Bob; I prayed for his full healing from the bondage of alcohol & freeing from every demon on him so he could become who he was created to be, rather than this emotionally retarded little boy who needs alcohol to function; I prayed that God will take Bob out the equation of being harmful to Mum’s head & heart – her well-being & health – & I prayed the blood of Jesus over all of us, as I distinctly felt that we would be targets of the enemy & I, for one, was a child of God & wasn’t accepting any of this rubbish.
They both came back in the den & once sat down Mum immediately asked if there was a problem here? I love her bluntness when she’s in the mood. Bob shrugged his shoulders as usual, & once I knew nothing was coming from him I voiced: ‘Yes Mum, there is a problem, as we’ve just discovered that Bob’s been lying & deceiving us both, & that he has chosen whiskey over you – so there’s definitely a problem. BUT, as he’s been drinking I do not want to enter into any conversation with him at all, as it won’t end well.’
‘You’re right,’ she says, ‘Bob, lying to family is very low.’ That’s about as strong as Mum’s chastisements get until she really loses it. I was happy for it to end there as previous experience tells me Bob just plays tit-for-tat & squirms ’n’ wriggles, so suggested he pop Father Brown on the TV as there is nothing more to say. He, for once, did as asked but alas he couldn’t find an episode & faffed around until I simply said, ‘Bob, why don’t you simply put something on TV that your wife would actually like?’ He started to speak about him not knowing what she’d like but I cut him off & said ‘Because after being married this long you really should know.’ I then shut up. Much button-pushing later he eventually found a programme on the life of an Australian zoo. Mum was clearly enthralled, as around three whole minutes later she jumped up & said she was off to bed! I agreed & voiced what a good idea that was, as we have an early start for Church tomorrow – just in case a little birdy tries to talk her out of it in the night – & said I’d see her bright & early tomorrow & I’m really looking forward to it.
I lasted five more minutes – mulling over whether I should say something along the lines of ‘Bob, I hope & pray you do some serious thinking tonight & tomorrow’ but decided silence was the best policy right now; so I simply jumped up & said ’that’s it, I’m done’ & headed off up to bed to the dulcet tones of Bob saying ‘have a good one’ in the distance as I stopped at the caramel jar to grab a couple of sweet treats to savour whilst typing this up.
Who’d have thunk it? Bob’s a secret whiskey tumbler drinker & was out’d during a live video chat with Mum’s sister who isn’t exactly his greatest fan! Witness & advocate in one – bravo – praise God! Mum continues to gain strength & the net continues to close . . .
