Day #34 – Thanksgiving . . .

Day #34 > THURSDAY 26th NOVEMBER

Thanksgiving Day

Mum tired first thing, so went back to bed. I nipped out to go shopping to get some nice treats for D&G next door as we’re having Thanksgiving lunch with them, & when I returned Mum was back up & helping Bob make cookies. Without her collar on. Lia called so I spoke with her & when I came down I asked where Mum was & Bob said she was out walking Abel. Mmm. I cannot remember the last time she walked him without me, but I guess as we were heading out it soon it was an obvious thing for her to do alone as I was one the phone. I asked Bob if she had her collar on & stick with her? Bob said she had her collar. Hmmm. How long ago did she leave Bob? Oh, about 45 minutes . . .

Sheee-it.

I walked out to look for her & saw her coming up the hill, with Dion one side & his brother the other. I subsequently found that they’d found her on the main road a little disorientated. Mmmm. This was not good. She seemed ok now though. We walked back, all good. Once inside, we got our stuff together – including Bob’s cookies & my alcohol-free wine for Mum along with some other nick-nacks I’d managed to lay my hands on as a thanksgiving to D&G – & I asked Mum & Bob if they’d be drinking alcohol today? Mum said no, she didn’t need it, & would I be drinking? I said no, as a sign of solidarity for what they were both doing. Bob stayed quiet. So I asked again & he replied that he would have a beer or two.

My ghast was flabbered.

Oh Bob I said, it’s a slippery slope & what a shame you cannot control yourself with alcohol & stay away from the stuff. You gave Mum your word too. ‘What word – I just said whiskey’ said Bob quick as a flash. I know I know, but what can you tell an addict? One or two won’t hurt said Mum, which I duly agreed with if you weren’t a life-long alcoholic who had only just quit. If indeed you have quit. Bob, I’ve got your number.’ I said & my gaze lingered a little too long on that blotchy face before I left to take all my goodies out to the car – as naturally Bob would be driving the 200 yards to the neighbours as he is unable to walk anywhere.

I was fuming. I had an overwhelming feeling of him letting Mum down. Not himself – as he can do what he wanted – but letting Mum down. Yet he was absolutely adamant that he was in the right. Not a great time to have a row, plus I know I need to focus on Mum rather than Bob, so I gave all to Jesus inside & let Him deal with it.

Once I’d put the bits in the car Mum came out balancing a tray of cookies precariously in one hand & a full trash bag in the other. Broken neck remember. Sigh. I grabbed the cookies, popped them in the car & then grabbed the trash bag & muttered something about Bob not being able to carry anything & hurled the bag as hard as I could into the bed of Bob’s truck. It may have been a little hard & it may have hit the back widow rather than the bed. It may have hit quite loudly too – enough to stop the Deweys in their tracks. Good. I may have been silently quite pleased it’d gotten a reaction. But never mind, nothing was broken except the stinking atmosphere . . .

Are you alright Mum asked me. Oh yes, absolutely fine Mum, I am fine, why do you ask? Oh, because Bob said you looked angry. Oh no Mum, not angry, just disappointed as it’s clear to see the slippery slope Bob is on now. The beer cans in his cabinet, the mood swings, the popping out at odd times without a real reason, & now he’s gagging for a beer or two next door – I’ve got his number Mum, & I suspect you have too. Beer leads to whiskey, which leads back to square one. Nothing I can do here except hope that you see the real Bob Mum. Oh well, let’s walk next door & leave Bob to drive . . .

Bob arrived first & walked up the drive alone with his cookies – making his grand entrance. He said his hellos until Mum & I arrived a minute later & hugged & greeted everyone warmly. Bob grabbed a beer – glances & words were exchanged between Dion, Gina & I about what was happening with Bob, but once they were all in the know & we got on with enjoying ourselves. Bob spent his time trying to make Bob look good in conversation, & Mum made typical Mum conversation revolving around others & I, with us both enjoying a bit of new company. I kept away from Bob, & pretty much was with Mum the whole time, which was lovely. We grabbed some food & all ate together. Mum had two full plates. Bob had a small plate & left most of that on his plate as waste.

Now, interestingly, of course Mum got Bob his food from the buffet line & when she popped his laden plate down in front of him she took a swig of his beer. Mmm. Talk about facilitating Mum drinking eh?! I was not happy. At. All. But Mum wasn’t impressed with the taste again & went back to her non-alcoholic punch. Phew.

Bob eventually sat outside in a deckchair watching a throwing game whilst Mum & I stayed inside where it was warmer & chatted. Gina probed Mum gently & she responded to all warmly & with good humour. If I have one memory of our dear neighbours it’s that we all laughed much. I was a bit cheeky to Mum, but she took it in good faith & was dishing it out too. Nothing wrong with her pysché at all, & only occasionally her memory timeline would flicker but nothing too tricky, & Mum held court with everyone wonderfully & I haven’t seen her so happy for a long time.

Time came to leave & Dion offered us food to go – which Mum duly did cautiously & graciously until Bob got involved, then he filled up the plate with Mac ’n’ Cheese like it was a balancing competition at an all-you-can-eat-buffet. Lucky me got to carry the overloaded plate home, & my muscles have just about recovered now . . .

Gina’s sister asked if we’d like to take the cookies home & I replied with no no, they were made for y’all so they should stay with y’all. Mum agreed. Naturally I noticed when I was carrying the heavyweight Mac ’n’ Cheese Bob had the platter of cookies firmly welded to his hand . . .

The Deweys drove back & I walked. Mum & I then walked Abel, bumping into fellow dog-walker Pixie from down the road & having a nice chat before returning home to chill. We heard our neighbours laughing & both commenting on how ‘true’ & real family should be & how lovely it is to be part of. She was warmed by being included, & sees life through accurate spectacles after afternoons like this.

I’m now typing this thinking how nice it was to see some actual ‘normality’ in family – fun, games, laughter, different groups of different people but all in unison & enjoying their time together as one. Lovely. Thanks guys, loved it.

I chilled for a while & then went downstairs around 6.00pm to find Mum & Bob watching TV. Mum was quite tired & they both decided they didn’t want any more food – Bob was full of beer no doubt – & Mum went off to bed around 7.45pm. He wanted to put a car programme on earlier but I suggested Amazon Prime for something for Mum to watch but we settled on a food programme, which Mum managed two minutes of before heading off to bed . . .

I followed 10 minutes later!

Around 10.00pm I heard Bob’s voice downstairs – seemingly from the kitchen as it was quite loud but I couldn’t quite make out the words. Imagine if you will how frustrating that is! Ha. I gave it five minutes, desparately trying to ignore it, but it was too much so I tippy-toed out onto the landing at the top of the stairs & tried to listen over the dripping bathroom shower . . . I couldn’t make out every word – especially of Mum’s – but I did pick out a few words & it appeared Bob had had a little bit too much beer & was becoming all emotional with Mum, as I could hear her calming soothe tone although not really make out the words.

In no particular order I heard Bob touch on the following subjects:

• Bob feels persecuted by me – that I’m constantly on his back about Mum’s collar & welfare, & that I blame him if he hasn’t checked up on her.
• He chooses to deliberately ignore me because he definitely does not want counselling & won’t go to it.
• He feels I don’t want him to ever talk about their past, as it highlights her memory loss & I think it’s cruel. **Importantly Bob misses the point that EVERY SINGLE TIME he talks about a historic event he asks Mum for at least one of the details because HE can’t remember it – so he’s constantly questioning her memory & she’s constantly saying ‘I can’t remember Bob.’ Which to me is cruel. No issue at all & delighted if Bob ever tells a story of his past without putting missing bits on Mum!
• He feels it is not legal that I am in contact with Dr Lyle.
• He feels I do not pay my way – & quoted a false testimony of him having to buy meals at Zoe’s Kitchen despite him jumping me in the line to give his card – that really frustrated me & hit a nerve. He also said something about us eating out a lot here but only twice when they were in the UK? I think of the £3k I’ve spent getting here & the money spent to take Mum away & the fuel & the shopping & & & but am happy to drop it down because I know the truth here – it’s not the cost, it’s the value of this which is priceless.
• He does not want Mum to visit my Church – despite not visiting their church for many months. This REALLY frustrated me, but I dropped that when I heard him say he would arrange for them to go to their Church this Sunday although it was his ‘worst’ time of year as we’ve just entered Advent & he REALLY doesn’t like the hymns . . .
• Bob was emotional but all his talk was about him. HE was offended. No mention of Mum being any better since I’d arrived whatsoever, but he was offended I was here. Text-book narcissist behaviour you say? You betchya . . .

It was rounded off with the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while, which as Bob asking Alexa what time it was, she couldn’t hear him so he shouts & asks her again . . . She tells him but he can’t hear her from where he is! Deaf ole bugger!