September 2021 – 1 of 3 . . .

SEPTEMBER . . .

Blimey, where did summer go?!

WEDNESDAY 1st

The month starts quietly – no news on Wednesday 1st. Nothing. Nowt. Nada. Rien. Bugger all. No follow-up from anyone. That is until Bob pings through a message about heart issues & dementia:

According to the Drs notes after the surgery Susan has Bradycardia due to sick sinus syndrome which is caused by a low pulsa/blood preasure. This definitely effects the front lobe of the brain. Another term used is aFib. She was having pauses of up to 8 seconds. If you google Bradycardia with Dementia it is explains a lot.

Cure, regeneration, ??? What’s next?
Bob

I don’t bite; I hold it lightly & see where I’m lead & how to approach it, as experience has taught me that knee-jerk reactions aren’t the wisest of moves . . .

Nothing at all for the rest of the day.

Nothing the following day either. Unusual.

That all changes on Friday 3rd, as overnight I received an Email that Gina sent to Social Services:

Update:

Yesterday, a few neighbors took a meal to the Dewey’s.  They reported that Susan appeared to be having a good day.

Thirty minutes later, Susan came to my house:  confused, walking the dog (not on a leash – thank goodness, since she has just had a pacemaker placed). When asked how she was, she stated, “I good.  I have had a couple glasses of wine this afternoon and I feel fine.”

She was assisted back home and there was no sight of her husband, Bob.

Continuing to keep an eye out for Susan.  She needs a higher level of care!

Ahh. Here we are again. Sigh.

Gina & I chat, of course, & both suspect the lack of wearing a sling issue won’t be viewed seriously now – too late – & she confirms the reason behind the ‘tone’ of the message is she’s trying to simply update DSS with facts now, as all previous attempts have failed so it appears it’s very likely that a service under pressure won’t have the resources to act on suspected risks & has to prioritise those at actual risk.

So in reality it reads:

Bob hasn’t cooked & despite her obvious need for care Susan left the house with the dog & a couple of glasses of wine in her but her husband was nowhere to be seen. 

🙏
Let’s pray this yields action.
🙏

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I return to Bob’s message & compose this response:

REGENERATION:

I’m sure you recall Bob, Mum’s heart was fully tested last year prior to commencing the Olanzapine & other meds & was given a clean bill of health – despite her diagnosed with Capgras along with the dizziness & falling episodes – culminating in her falling down the stairs with a pint glass of beer in her hand – breaking her neck. In two places.

Olanzapine has an FDA BLACK BOX warning about causing serious heart issues when taken by the elderly for dementia issues – & that’s on its own, as when combined with alcohol consumption (& other antidepressants including Xanax) it’s point-blank life-threatening – which was raised to you at the time last year. A very clear link back to what has caused Mum’s weak heart within a year.

Fast forward six months – Mum can’t face the garden & is consistently asking to visit us; she’s back on medication which is contraindicating with the alcohol you enable her to imbibe so her mental & physical issues have returned with a vengeance, culminating in emergency surgery for a pacemaker.

Will the pacemaker prove to be regenerating on its own with no other changes?

CURE:
Time has a wonderful way of showing us the truth, & we clearly saw that once Mum stopped those meds & excessive alcohol last year she made a full & complete physical recovery as all fainting, falling & dizziness vanished; in fact she was able to walk many miles with no issues – I witnessed five & over seven on consecutive days in Charleston just as an example.  Additionally, Mum’s mental state & peace of mind improved immeasurably, with the complete disappearance of Capgras & a renewed zest for life which, notably, enabled her to recommence her beloved gardening.

I see the connection & pray you will too.

I haven’t sent it. Yet.

I’d love to, in fact I’d love to spray it in his face from point blank range but but But BUT I don’t want him to back away from me as I really need him to book the flights to get Mum here. If I put Bob on the back foot he’ll turn the screw even more. Therefore should I shine light in darkness or use the ‘wisdom’ of knowing my enemy? Oh my, what to do?

Give it to God . . . who replies immediately via Jane with:

I think you should send it following up with something along the lines of:

Taking all this into account Bob, we’re at a point where we have no idea what’s next for Susan’s health so I ask that you arrange for you both to come to the UK or Crete where we can spend some quality time together.

You can still get away to do your own thing should you wish, but our time – however short it may be – will be so very special to me, Eva and Mum’s family that she clearly is desperate to get to visit, & in return will be loved & welcomed into; a family which sadly she’s missed out on for many years.

Hopefully we can reunite with her health improved & spend more time together in the future – we really can’t wait!

I’m sure you understand having sadly lost your sisters recently, we don’t want this to happen to my Mum!

That’ll do nicely!

I rest on it for the evening & will send it tomorrow morning, as I want Bob to wake up to it & therefore at his most soberest, as it contains many many words. I wish I could condense it down into a couple of sentences, but there’s so much I want to say I’m stuck. I could voice it all of course in a conversation, but I’m absolutely certain that Bob tunes me out whenever I speak, along with going on the offensive and defensive too, so it’ll all be a waste of breath. Teflon Bob I call him – nothing sticks . . . Sigh.

Again, my gut feeling is simply that I must tell my truth – sure sure, I could fluff it up a bit to appeal to Bob’s pride & ego, but ultimately I need to convey what I believe, because I have a nagging feeling that one day I may be faced with hearing him stammer: “I did my best for her & didn’t know any better.” That wouldn’t sit well with me at all if I remained silent at this point. Not well at all.

The following morning – Saturday 4th – I tweak The Message slightly to make it as succinct as possible – not exactly a gift of mine – & send it around 10.00am my time to ensure Bob is greeted with it for breakfast:

Immediately after sending I message DSS too, as Gina called last night to run me through discovering Mum disorientated in the road & Mum not recognising her. Gina got her home safely of course, & also had a chat with them both – which essentially comprised of Mum apologising for being ‘nutty’ & Bob giving Gina chapter & verse on Mum’s doctors & surgery appointments – with a complete lack about Mum’s feelings, actual behaviour, how they were coping or even ‘thank you’. Gina suggested Bob view a workshop that Gina’s church had just hosted on dementia, as he may pick up a thing or two – as right now he was trying to be ‘right’ in every area of life, rather than simply ensuring Susan was happy. This is not new news. At. All. I have lost count of the times I have said to Bob that: ‘It’s more important to be kind than right.’ Deaf ears . . .

Back to the DSS; I ping this across as the U.S. of Arraignments is burying its head in the sand:

UPDATE:

Susan Dewey did not recognise her neighbor in the street yesterday & was disorientated, so was helped back home.

Again.

Clearly she does not have self-determination; she is 100% reliant on care given by her husband Bob Dewey, a documented alcohol dependent who’s decision making & lack of care giving is dictated by his addiction.

Relying on neighbors to ‘keep an eye out’ is not sufficient care.

I spent time with the Deweys earlier this year & assessed them myself – which you are aware of – & now the documented prognosis is reality: they are both at risk of imminent danger & need a higher level of care.

Very sincerely
Tim Allen

🙏
Dear Lord, please help me shout louder & open all ears that need to hear this.
🙏

Mum calls me around 9.30pm my time – so 3.30pm hers. She tells me she hasn’t seen Bob since this morning & is worried; I reassure her & we confirm the cars are still there so I suggest if she’s really worried pop next door to D & G, but keep her talking for long enough for Bob to return in the room. He reckoned he’d been outside for a few minutes & simply said, & I quote: “It’s in her mind.”

There’s compassion for you. 

Now, interestingly whilst talking to Mum she tells me she has a print of a message I’ve sent. Brilliant! Bob’s printed out so at least she’s seen it – as I know Mum is always open to seeing what I truly think & feel – I don’t need to pull any punches with her as we speak the same language. I ask what she thinks, & she agrees with all. I walk through a few points with her – as my language in the actual message was really meant for Bob’s ears so just wanted to ensure Mum was reassured by all & she was, she was very reassured indeed – of course thanking me for taking the time to explain all to Bob. I focussed on the connection between drugs & booze & simply being contained to Deweyland, which would drive anyone mad!

Once Bob was back in the room I asked for his thoughts to my message. He was weird. Properly weird. He said he hadn’t really read it to start with. Mmmm. I said that sounded odd as he’s printed it out & handed it to Mum. He then changed tack & said I needed to know the timescale of all  – when Ma had an MRI for example. Eh? I’ve been following Mum’s progress via MyChart for years now & have first-hand testimony of her maladies lifting when she stopped the meds & the booze & started to live a little. I told him as much & again, asked for his thoughts on my reply – really trying to get to if he’d be booking tickets or not. Again, Bob tried to walk me through the heart tests last year & then veered completely off track about statistics, the virus & the vaccine. Ahhh, the infamous ‘Dewey Diversionary’ that I witnessed so much of a few months ago – welcome back! I cut through that – simply saying we can talk about that in detail on another call Bob, but right now I’ve received a call from Mum saying you’ve disappeared & all you want to focus on is Covid, so I’m going to stop that now; Mum has had her pacemaker & should be on the mend now, so as per my message, she is clearly not happy so will you be booking tickets & coming over as soon as she’s able to fly?

Silence.

I swear I could hear some kind of huffing ’n’ puffing.

‘There’s a lot to sort out.’ Came the reply.

Here we go . . .

Well, there’s not is there. There’s not a lot to sort out at all. It’s simply being given the all-clear, arranging kennels or a sitter for Abel, book the tickets & jump on a plane. Done. Ok, let me phrase it like this then:

‘Bob, Mum clearly wants to see us & is not happy as she is – as I receive calls every few days, so if you won’t arrange all & visit here then I shall come & visit you.’

More silence.

‘Mum,’ I said. ‘Mum, I don’t want to put pressure on you at all, but Bob is making it sound like it will be a problem for you to travel, so if you won’t come to me then I shall come to you. Would you like that?’

I had to give her the option & hear her answer with my own ears. I think Bob needs to hear this too:

‘Oh yes, I’d love that.’ beamed the reply.

Good. Great. I voiced that I was really looking forward to seeing them both &, of course, time has moved on from last time I was there. Realistically, I wanted to try to force Bob’s hand a little, as I think the last thing he wants is me in his house again, & the thought of me visiting again will get his ariss into gear, however, being realistic, Bob is on home turf so will try every trick in the book to keep me at bay. Again I find myself thinking ‘let’s see how this one pans out . . .’

Ok, as it goes we end the conversation really nicely; I voice that I see the issues they’re facing – as I’ve detailed in the message Bob thought enough of that he printed it out yet said he hadn’t ‘really’ read it & as far as I was concerned we’re all in this together & relationships should be safe, reliable & honest, as the world is hard enough without further deceit, but I really looked forward to seeing them – ‘especially you Bob’ I said – maybe a bit too menacingly . . .

No, seriously, I left the conversation in a warm place: looking at future plans. Let’s hope Bob’s warm place isn’t too hot. Stop it stop it stop it. Now. I mean let’s hope we’re all singing from the same hymn sheet eh. I felt I’d been kind, concerned, calm, factual, proactive & – importantly – ‘warm’ tonight. I didn’t harp on about personalities or my views & opinions or indeed bite at Bob’s banality; I simply looked at the facts & that Mum wants to visit here so get your arse into gear & book it as we’d love to see you. Simples.

Briefly spoke with Lia later who reminded me about grace & quoted Titus 3 to me – you know, she always speaks loudly to my heart, & this time is no exception & is absolutely worth quoting here & now, as it’s valuable to anyone in any place at any time in their life:

---

TITUS 3: Saved in Order to Do Good

1 Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, 2 to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.

3 At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. 4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. 8 This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.

9 But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. 10 Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.

12 As soon as I send Artemas or Tychicus to you, do your best to come to me at Nicopolis, because I have decided to winter there. 13 Do everything you can to help Zenas the lawyer and Apollos on their way and see that they have everything they need. 14 Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing what is good, in order to provide for urgent needs and not live unproductive lives.

15 Everyone with me sends you greetings. Greet those who love us in the faith.

Grace be with you all.

---

I hit the sack feeling a little guilty. Guilty over my handling of Bob – my judgement of him really – as I truly don’t like the feeling of being angry/frustrated by A.N. Other – but you know what struck me the loudest in Titus?

You got it, the word ‘divisive’. Verse 10 – how on earth do you apply that with your step-father who should be caring & cherishing your Mother.

Mmm. Grace be with you all indeed . . .

Sunday is quiet but overnight I wake on Monday to messages from Gina that Mum had to be ‘rescued’ from Vance’s up the road yesterday – it’s about 300 yards away, but Bob had to drive to pick her up.

Sigh.

She confirmed she’ll be in contact with DSS again, but in stronger terms this time, plus will escalate this to the local Sheriff too, which is long-overdue. I’m not fully familiar with the U.S. of Law Enforcement’s rules & regs, but recall from my previous visit they should be involved. Good.

Addtionally, Gina showed me a link to the local Sheriff’s office who are giving out tracking bracelets for dementia sufferers & those of a persuasion to up sticks & leg it – so would put in a call to the relevant person tomorrow. Brilliant! About time, that’s fantastic news.

We have our weekly family chatty on Tuesday, & all goes well until Mum gives it the “All is wonderful” spiel, including saying that she really feels on the up; there’s nothing bad to report & she’s only on a few meds.

And says that she knows that travel is impossible at the moment.

🤔 What? 🤷‍♂️

This calls for a dollop of reality.

Kindly of course, but reality nonetheless. I feel I must call Mum out on her behaviour – to let her know that when she says she’s fine & paints the picture that all is ‘fine & dandy’ yet I hear that she’s been escaping every day & having to be escorted back to her home – including having Bob drive to get her, then I don’t think everything is as good as she’s painting. She says don’t worry. I reply I do – not about her behaviour as I know it’s the booze & meds contraindicating, but I worry that she doesn’t mention it to me & deliberately paints a picture that all is rosy. I worry about that as it makes me feel she’s lying to my – although I realise it may not be deliberate – but I want to back away when I hear lies, so I struggle with worry about that.

She seems to take this in. Obviously it’s hard to tell for sure, & I don’t feel she’s malicious & deliberately painting this picture, it’s more that she knows no different, as her entire life has been spent trying to please other people so she’s just doing what comes naturally. So in a nutshell I’m trying to tell her it’s absolutely not natural – especially when she’s clearly not at her finest right now, & any deceit festers & helps no one.

I have to – I really have to – leave it in God’s hands as we’re talking about her entire lifelong culture here. Whether or not she has ears to hear my plea remains to be seen – but I do thank the Lord for the network of people around her, as later on in the day I speak with Gina who tells me that not only to the neighbours all have a text group about Mum now – eek! – & it’s become very apparent that Mum needs help from one of them virtually every day. In fact Mum was at Gina’s twice last night, & when escorted back home even offered to pour Gina a G&T. Ooh.

Additionally, Gina tells me she’s been on the blower to the department responsible for Operation Lifesaver – the tracking bracelets initiative for the wandering dementia sufferers – so that’s now in-hand, marvellous – & also took the opportunity to escalate matters to the local Sheriff’s office – as that’s how it works in that there U.S. of Abatements – & gave the ‘DSS are not protecting Susan & I don’t know where to turn, so I’m contacting you!’ line. Genius. Turns out as mused upon previously, the Department of Social Services don’t actually do much nowadays, & when they don’t act the Sheriff’s Department indeed become involved, as they carry a lot more clout. A lot more as it turns out, as if they deem Ann Doe is at risk they have the power to remove her from the situation. And they do act. Good. Apparently the Deputy was horrified to hear of Mum walking Abel along the main road during school chucking out hours along with the neighbours having their own very active Susan Watch group, so a report is being filed & action should be incoming . . .

One glimmer of hope did arise today though, which was Bob telling Gina that he had indeed watched the online workshop on handling dementia, & commented proudly that he was letting Susan do whatever she wanted today. But alas he went as far as saying that he didn’t act when Susan told him something that was untrue, so naturally Susan wanted to know exactly what she’d said that was untrue which led to stress levels being raised etc., etc., etc. Oh Bob . . . 🤦‍♂️

Mum called the next day – Wednesday – at around 11.30am her time saying she was having a low day. She couldn’t really answer what was causing her mood today, so we ‘just’ chit-chatted & talked again about visiting here as soon as she’s given the all-clear by the doctors – but – Bob now tells her it’s nine weeks from surgery till this will happen, rather than the previous four weeks that he quoted. Mmmm. Better check this out eh . . .

We chatted for thirty minutes or so & was a tonic for both of us to be honest – poignant how she also brings some brightness to my day, & we ended the call on a happy note with laughter & smiles – so I pray it did her some good too.

Right, back to the post-surgery flight ban . . .

Mmmm, a Dr Google search yields nothing – in fact it appears there are no guidelines for patients travelling with pacemakers, with the only reference being to ensure the wound is healed because of increased arm movement putting lead dislocation at risk. Mmmm.

I ping Bob this message, let’s see if it’s ignored:

G’morning @Bob Dewey,

Mum told me yesterday that you quoted nine weeks until travel is possible, but she didn’t know why.

According to docs there doesn’t seem to be anything restricting travel – especially with straight-forward non-ICD surgery – apart from obviously needing to attend the follow-up check-up to ensure all’s working as it should & the wound has healed.

Who is saying it needs to be nine weeks, as Mum again voiced her desire to visit here as soon as possible during our call yesterday & her state of mind is paramount?

Please could you print this message & let her read it to show we’re all doing as much as we can to ensure her wishes are granted so she has something to look forward to.

Thanks very much
T

Jane replies immediately with:

Strange as we did a check on the travel restriction and found that 2 days if no complications, is all that is needed after an implant!

Worth checking again Bob, sooner she get away the better for her health!  And probably yours!

Magnificently succinct & to the point – oh I can learn a lot from this!

The following day Bob comes back with a message telling us that before surgery the doctor’s office recommended four weeks without complications & up to six-eight weeks with complications – which obviously goes against what we’ve all just been told, sigh – but confirms Mum has an appointment on Wednesday morning for, I quote: ‘A device check and I’m sure they will OK overseas travel.’

Good.

Bob also states:

“I assume that Susan told you that she does not have any dizziness, nausea, pains, etc while walking since the implant. She is walking further and further now.”

That’s it. That’s all he says – that’s everything he writes – his entire message. Mmm. Talk about missing the point . . . I wonder why she needs to walk & escape eh?! Treat the cause, not the symptom!

Lia jumps in & messages succinctly too, saying ‘Well thats fantastic news so we can expect to see you both real soon then 🥳’

Taking my cue from the ladies, I chip in with, ‘Brilliant – miscommunication about the nine weeks then, so all hanging on docs appointment on Wednesday 🙏🏻

‘I hear she’s walking more yes, the neighbours have told me – so not perfect but delighted the physical issues have ceased 🙌’

Bob’s lack of a response is deafening . . .

No news over the weekend until Gina pings me a message on Sunday evening saying that Mum’s been over to hers twice before 08:30!

Wow. That’s upping the game eh – really upping the anté.

She told Gina that Jane was there when she woke up & Bob was quite agitated when they escorted her back home. Mum said he probably had a hangover.

I rest my case m’lud.

We batted messages back ’n’ forth for a while, culminating in Gina looking for Bob to ask him what exactly needs to happen to Susan before he admits he cannot care for her?

Alas Roberto wasn’t answering the landline or mobile phone – which is astonishing considering he has a vulnerable wife who regularly escapes the house & gets lost with Bob being first point of contact . . .

Gina put the NSW – Neighbourhood Susan Watch – text group on high alert.

No more news until we spoke on Tuesday in our weekly Family Chatty; all went well & Mum looked & sounded on form, plus confirmed she wasn’t suffering with any dizzy spells, but of course no mention of needing to escape or getting lost & being escorted home. She did, notably, remember that she’s visiting the docs tomorrow for her pacemaker check-up & to get the all-clear to travel – “which she’s looking forward to immensely” & is essentially her raison d’être right now . . .

It was a pleasant chat actually – honestly – not too repetitive, talking about Covid & real world issues along with what the future holds & I think for once we all hung up feeling better for it! Hoorah!

I wake on Wednesday night to these from Gina, detailing what other members of the NSW group had experienced yesterday:

From Bill and Lynda:

Gina, we are back, as you probably noticed.  We hope you and Dion are well.  Cricket too.

Susan seemed temporarily clear, but mostly confused about Bob as she recognizes him as another man from her past.

Pixie, Lynda and I with dogs went up to confirm Bob was there, as she was concerned.  Bob came outside and we briefly talked, and he mentioned a tracking device, so apparently he is more open now.  

Pixie thought she might of had a mark above her eye, but I could not see anything obvious.

 🙏 Bill and Lynda

From Pixie:

Good afternoon

Wanted to let y’all be aware that when we were walking around 6 pm, Susan met us (Lynda and Bill and myself) and was once again saying that Bob had left but some man is in her house and she would rather him leave so we offered to go up to the house to check things out. Bob met us at the back door and when I asked Susan who he was, she said “That’s Bob.” She asked him how long he was going to be here and he said “Forever “. She gave us a look and seemed to roll her eyes a bit.

Bob did say that he was considering getting her a tracker. She didn’t seem to keen on the idea but we were all trying to convince her that maybe this would be a good idea.

Lynda and Bill saw her twice earlier this afternoon and if you’d like to get more of what they experienced maybe you can reach out to them.

Hope y’all are having a nice evening 😊

Ouch. Oh dear. That ‘forever’ quip pushes my button. It’s about him isn’t it? Not a jot about Mum & reassuring or caring for her eh.

I continue to pray for Mum’s health along with the door opening to travel. Strikes me she actually becomes herself when she’s out – wanting ’that’ man to leave & not wanting to go back. I still swear that house has a ‘hold’ on her – I experienced & battled the atmosphere myself. I reply to Gina pleading for her to ask Bob The Question along with enquiring what’s happening with the Sheriff & the tracking bracelet – or if indeed she can pass on the details as I’d like a word too.

In fact, let’s detail all here shall we – I sent this:

Hey Gina,

Good morning. Oh dear. Oh dear. Bob’s ‘forever’ quip sums it all up for me: zero compassion, zero interest in Mum’s viewpoint or giving reassurance, help or indeed care – just Robby Robby Robby. This for me is why he absolutely does not provide a suitable environment for Mum.

Substitute ‘environment’ with ‘life’.

Not my call though, is it. Sigh.

I urge you Gina, to ask Bob The Question: “Bob, what needs to happen for you to admit you cannot care for Susan?”

There’s no escaping this, she’s now back to full-blown Capgras – not knowing who Bob is, wanting him gone & wanting to escape herself – so praying for a clean bill of health at today’s pacemaker check-up plus Robbie putting his money where his mouth is & booking tickets as soon as humanely possible . . .

Any news on bracelet & Sheriff? Can you let me have details of Sheriff as I’d like a word too.

And – finally – sorry! – by all means share this with Bill & Lynda along with Pixie – my experience of all if they have a spare couple of years to see all 👇