AUGUST . . .
Family chatty on 4th August & Mum is not herself. She’s in pacifying & pleasing mode – trying to keep both Jane & I ‘happy’ & paint the picture of lovely fluffy clouds & all being wonderful – but it is coming at the price of truth.
There’s a lot of BS.
Clearly, she’s in a bad place. We try to buoy her spirits but it really does feel like it’s going right over her head as all she wants to do is portray ‘life is great’ vibes & pass the buck – in fact she tries her hardest to convince us that her life is improving & that she’s cut out the booze.
As I say: There’s. A. Lot. Of. B.S.
I ping Jane a message straight after our family chat:
Sorry Jane, that was hard work, especially for you I think.
Sigh . . . it frustrates the heck out of me when she doesn’t even believe what she’s saying herself! Not to mention the absolute BS . . .
I know it’s not deliberate, but I’m drawn more to the scenario of knocking kids heads together to knock some sense into them than anything else!If I hadn’t received THREE calls from Mum in distress SINCE STARTING HER NEW MEDS I’d understand she was just going through the mill & roll with it, but she’s kidding herself thinking she’s getting better & I struggle to keep a lid on that.
Sorry X
Ahhh. I think we all know she can’t kill the drink with Bob around eh – he’d be enough to drive me to drink so why should she be any different?! But to tell us she’s stopped has upped the anté somewhat.
The meds. The meds are behind this. No medication on this earth comes without side-effects, not a single one. Mum’s in ‘that’ place where if, for example, we’ve had too much to drink we think & act differently than if we’re sober – that’s exactly what the contraindicating meds & beers are causing now. Crazy Bob & the even crazier docs think that by putting her on pills will stop her depression, but the reality is that it may well make her temporarily a little lighter of mood, but it is also altering her reality so she cannot place Bob, me or in fact think of anything worthwhile in her life to give it purpose, bringing her crashing down. Add to that that she simply sways with the loudest voice because she’s unable to make a choice or decision, which always comes back to the voice which is there most: Slideshow Bob.
I truly hope I’ve misread this & am wrong, but the signs & my previous experience with her last year indicate not.
I fear she may start to dread our weekly chat too – meaning she’ll back away, as she likes an easy life; passing her days just saying what she thinks will please whomever she’s talking too. Sigh.
Just gotta try to keep it light & raise that desire to visit her son & family to the fore. Anything else is not realistic with Bob doing his upmost to stifle her . . .
The following week she calls & asks to visit again, & sure enough backtracks two days later. I offer her an open door & ask why she doesn’t even want to visit for a holiday! I tell her all I want her to be is happy & follow her heart, which she loves – as do I! She says she’s met with the brain doc for her follow-up appointment, but the results weren’t in so didn’t really learn much, apart she’s on some new meds.
Sigh.
America. Docs only get paid by insurance when diagnosing treatment & prescribing drugs right? Say no more . . .
Another call during the week wanting to visit. Groundhog Day ensues & the call ends well with Mum looking forward to visiting, but of course the next time we talk Mum has changed her mind again.
A pattern is forming eh. No shit Sherlock!
On Jess’s birthday on 15th August I received yet another ‘Get Me Outta Here’ call. Serious this time. She’s very agitated – annoyed I’d say. She said she was fed up with arguing with the man in her house & ‘needed to leave this house & so did he. It can’t carry on!’ she confirmed. I suggested popping round to Dion & Gina’s next door to see a friendly face – if they were in – but also ensured Bob joined us from that point onwards in the call & we all agreed to book tickets for Mum to visit us in the UK, regardless of if she changed her mind about ‘needing’ to visit in the future, because ultimately it would be a holiday for them both & the perfect medicine.
What a wonderful example of the positives of modern technology – because despite being really rattled when she first called, 20 minutes or so later after voicing her fears & being reassured she was then looking forward to her future with a plan in place. Lovely.
Not quite as lovely, was that Bob confirmed Mum is back to falling over & feeling dizzy again.
I really could throttle him. And kick him when he’s down.
Stop that.
However, there’s a little glimpse of light as I’m granted access back to view Mum’s medical notes in the MyChart app so can see exactly what’s going on, bypassing Bob’s censorship – Hoorah!
Well, well, well – who’d have thunk it . . . Bob confirmed during our call that he found the two-factor log-in authentication in MyChart a pain in the arriss, so has switched it off, & low-and-behold I can access it now, so as soon as I’m off the phone with them I settle down to seeing what’s really occurring in Deweyland.
My joy is short-lived though, as it’s not great reading at all. Seems they’ve not exactly been keeping us up-to-date with an accurate portrayal of Mum’s health at all. Far from it . . .
I catch up on all & note she’s been prescribed two anti-depressants now – Zoloft & Buspar – along with Melatonin to help her sleep at night, plus a high dose of vitamin D. All except the vitamins contraindicate with alcohol – & very disconcertingly I see the docs appointment last week was due to falling over & dizzy spells – not at all about her state of mind per se as they had implied. Mmmm. Interesting indeed, as they portrayed the visit was due to mood/behaviour reasons rather than the return of the physical issues during our weekly chatty. Here we go again – shall we call it ‘being economical with the truth’?
Nah, let’s call it for what it is – deceit. Downright deceit.
This isn’t new news though is it, so moving forward the doc has arranged for Mum to have a test on 16th to see if the falling & dizziness is caused by a physical issue – but honestly I cannot believe how blind they are as we are in Groundhog Day from exactly this time last year:
LIFESTYLE
Bored, unhappy, lonely & unhealthy
Controlled & gaslighted by narcissistic husband
No friends or socialising
Poor diet
⬇
BOOZE
To make life tolerable
⬇
DEPRESSION
Warped sense of self-worth
⬇
PRESCRIBED MEDS
Antidepressants
⬇
CONTRAINDICATING
BOOZE & MEDS
⬇
PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES
Traits of dementia & mood swings
Capgras Delusion
⬇
PHYSICAL ISSUES
Fainting & Dizziness
⬇
SHE’S BEEN HERE BEFORE!
Why can no-one see this?
WHY?!
I message Jane letting her know that I’ll let the docs know what’s happening, now that I can see her issues/prescribed treatment – although I’m not sure if Bob has rescinded my authority to speak with them as rumour has it the HIPAA may have been torn up, but only one way to find out. Let’s see how this pans out . . .
Hey Jane,
Mum’s call yesterday was basically that she’d had words with the man in her house, as she was simply trying to help & put things away but they had an argument. I advised her to simply go & see her neighbours for a change of scenery & atmosphere. She agreed, but suspect she didn’t visit of course.
I then ensured Bob was involved in the call & discussed booking tickets here. He volunteered that he’d not gone through with booking last time as Susan said she didn’t want to come; so I countered that with asking him if he saw the similarities between this time last year & now – leading up to The Fall down the stairs – & I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes if it should happen again as clearly there are issues & Mum confirmed she’s still drinking. Bob said he would be The Bad Guy if he told her to stop. I told him he would be if he didn’t!
Actually I didn’t tell him that, it’s only just come to me as I’m typing – but I wish I had & my words were in the same vein though – he had to stand up & do what was right for Mum whilst he still could.
We left the call that he would book tickets & not cancel them even if Mum wanted to in a day or two, because it would simply be a ‘holiday’ for them both with no stress & no reason to cancel. He knew in no uncertain terms what the future holds in store if they keep on keeping on. He also mentioned that he was happy to chaperone Susan over here & then do ‘his own thing’ – which I find incredibly bizarre as a husband, but I’m not going to stop him 😉
Here endeth today’s update – I’ll try to call later to see how she got on & we’ll go from there.
The following day, Tuesday 17th, just before the family chatty, I check the MyChart app & sure enough it’s been updated & Bob has pinged Jane & I a lengthy garbled message about the docs being concerned with Mum’s heart so they’re fitting her with a monitor to establish exactly what’s going on – presumably to narrow down if her heart is behind in her dizzy spells. Ok, well, no harm in testing right, although I feel it’s a Merry-Go-Round as it’s just like last year when they tested her heart & found nothing, but were given false information about Mum rarely touching a drop of the sauce & loving life – & her subsequent recovery with a bit of love & removal of sherbert & meds – but I’m not a qualified doctor eh. I let Jane know:
Howdy,
Just to give you a heads-up in response to Bob’s lengthy message about Mum’s heart . . .
According to MyChart, the doc’s notes of the visit show that no mention has been made of Mum’s dizziness & fainting stopping completely once she was off meds & booze – screenshot attached.
No mention of her fainting twice when drunk in my presence; no mention of her falling down the stairs drunk; no mention at all of Mum walking 5 miles one day then 7 miles the following when visiting Charleston together; no mention of complete cessation of dizziness at the time I left in late January.
It’s not accurate Jane, the report isn’t accurate as it isn’t aware of the facts – I’ll be chasing both docs tomorrow once I know Mum’s thoughts during our chat later.
Bloody yanks – money, money, money . . .
Family chatty went well – & of course Mum doesn’t ‘need’ to visit now. However Bob confirms they’re looking to visit at the beginning of September but need to get the docs stuff out of the way first, so again, I shan’t hold my breath as my money will be on the docs needing to keep one of them – probably Bob – in the US. Let’s pray I’m wrong . . .
It’s encouraging that the right sounds are being made about visiting – I am definitely heartened by this, but am also fully aware of both Laurel & Hardy’s all talk & no action ways.
Mum continues to call every couple of days for a chat – generally because she’s feeling down but there is no repeat of the ‘I must escape now!’ chat, just a constant wish to visit – which continues to warm my heart. Time after time, call after call, I reassure her that we’d love to see her & a holiday would be wonderful medicine for her/them as they’ve been holed up in that house for two years now without a break, & that we’re simply waiting on Bob to book the tickets! I go slightly deeper as time progresses, asking why there is so much talk of visiting but no action? Is there a problem with booking the tickets? Mum says she’ll sort it with Bob. She never does.
I receive a call from Mum where Bob actually wants to speak on the 24th, saying that they’d had the results of Mum’s heart tests & the monitor she’s been wearing has flagged up that her heartbeat dropped for a couple of hours on Saturday morning – down to 25bpm according to Bob, so the docs want to fit her with a pacemaker. Quickly, on the 2nd September.
Oh my.
Bob’s all for this because, as always, Bob is already a member of this club. He has been there, done that & has the T-shirt in glorious Technicolor. It’s probably biggerer & betterer than Mum’s one will be, naturally, as he’s already battery-powered – which apparently has Bluetooth & a defibrillator built-in 🤷♂️
Naturally this will curtail any imminent plans to visit this side of the pond – Mmmm, that didn’t take long for my fears to be proved right eh – as no flying for four weeks post-op, but it’s apparently a relatively straight-forward in-and-out procedure so shouldn’t be any issue.
Ok, Mum’s got a broken heart. Tell me something I don’t know . . .
Seriously, a few months ago she was on meds that had a FDA Black Box warning about causing heart issues! And now, since she’s been back on the booze she’s progressed to needing medication & now dizziness & falling whilst out walking the dog so she’s doing the American routine of checking out everything so everyone earns many $$$ & sure enough, her heart is damaged & she’ll need a battery back-up. Do bears shit in the woods?
Talk about frustrating! It feels like I’m shouting in an empty space – that no one is hearing me & noting the risk Mum is at: DSS are silent; Docs only want to earn $$$ & treat symptoms, rather than addressing the cause & Mum swallows it all. Gladly. With ice & a slice . . .
Ok, let’s be realistic: it’s more than likely Mum’s heart is weakened now so a pacemaker may well be necessary, but it’s no cure if she maintains the same lifestyle eh.
Sherbert, meds & Bob
⬇
Steal, kill & destroy
Ernest prayer required for miracle
During this conversation I touch on nutrition with Bob – as he actually speaks today – & after asking me if I’m a nutritionalist when I offer my views on Mum solely eating fruit meaning she’s getting too much sugar & that she really needed a balanced diet of fresh fruit and vegetables, as he clearly wasn’t impressed at his menus being questioned. He almost took pleasure in confirming that tonight’s meal was going to be – drum roll – an omelette. Sigh.
I also took the flaming liberty of asking if Mum had had a drink today, as she sounded a little, err, um, ‘fluent’. Bob evaded the question expertly till he offered this corker: “Well I haven’t seen her have a drink.”
Spineless weasel.
I told him – concisely – that I didn’t believe him. At. All. His sloping shoulders repelled my comment like water off a duck’s back of course, & zero responsibility taken. Once again this illustrates to me entirely what Bob is about; what he’s capable of doing &, perhaps more poignantly, not doing. Yes yes, of course I don’t understand why he can’t simply say ‘No Susan, no drinkies today!’ but I do understand that his culture with Mum is very different to mine & his God is the sauce – exactly as my wise fiancée once said: ‘they’ve made booze their Holy Spirit!’
Time & time again he’s shown that under absolutely no circumstances can he be seen to be The Bad Guy. He’s simply unable to ensure Mum’s safety due to choosing this option. I wonder what’s behind it? What wound does he have that means he cannot put his wife’s welfare to the fore?
Honestly I don’t get it. I don’t get why a simple “No Susan, no beer / wine / sherry / sherbert until you’ve finished your course of medication.” is so difficult for him? His lack here puts her at great risk.
It pisses me off. I know I shouldn’t say or feel that but it truly does. It riles me inside. It offends me. How can a husband of 40+ years not take care of his wife?! How can he be that useless – the one person in the world who you would think you can rely on is your betrothed right? Seems not with Robert Dewey. What can I do from this distance though? I can’t entice her to visit me any more than I already am. I could go back & revisit Deweyland, but strongly suspect we’ll be back to last year’s shenanigans with Mum staying put, so I simply have to roll with it & show light over here, in the hope above all that Mum will want to visit here. Then, & only then, when she’s on my turf, can I offer her some safety & love, to enable her to choose what she truly wants to do & bloom.
I accept Mum’s life is not mine to live, & I accept that I should not judge either her or Bob as they are grown-ups, so I give all to the Lord as I know he has her covered – however that may be. I am here to do The Right Thing. The righteous thing if I can. Righteous. Honourable. It’s a big ask eh, as left to my own devices I’d simply whisk her out of Deweyland & be done with this whole mess – but it’s not my call. You can lead a horse to water & all that . . .
The following day we have our usual family chatty where we lightly chew the fat & don’t touch on anything too deep; really we simply ask how each other is & both Jane & I try to steer the conversation round to Mum visiting here as it’d be good medicine for her – after all, who doesn’t need a holiday! She can come before pacemaker is fitted if she wants, as we all believe that the tonic of a trip away will lift her spirits. We keep it light though, as Mum has to want to visit in order for this to happen.
Mum calls again on Sunday 29th for a little chat. She seems very warm, but Bob comes on the line & tells me the docs have called & want to bring her pacemaker installation forward as apparently her heart stopped for eight seconds on Saturday. She’s still wearing the monitor, so they knew. Phew.
I’m going to say it again: that medication last year? The one with the FDA Black Box warning about causing heart issues. Yep, that one. The one we got her off of? Yep, do you wonder if there’s any link at all? You betcha there’s a link. Still, the damage is done now & it’s highly likely she absolutely needs the pacemaker so sooner the better in my eyes – we speak well together & I ask them to call me to let me know how it goes – she’s due in at 9.00am on Monday.
Nothing comes from Deweyland of course.
I manage to last until around 2.30am my time (9.30pm their time) before checking my phone for MyChart updates – as the silence is still deafening from Deweyland. I see that Mum’s been fitted with the pacemaker, the anaesthetist is happy & she was discharged around 5.00pm. Yay!
I wake to a message from Jane which to paraphrase says that she asked Bob to let her know how they got on at the hospital & Bob did indeed call, at around 8pm when ‘they’d just got home.’ He said all had gone well but had already lost Mum’s sling for her arm – sigh. Mum came on the line & said Bob was just pouring them a gin & tonic – no, correction, ‘a small beer’ for her!
Sigh again.
🤥
Mum confirmed she’d had an anaesthetic so Jane asked if she or Bob knew there should be zero alcohol afterwards, to which she replied ‘Oh Yes!’ Jane got no further joy with logic or persuasion about the potential serious risks & all was brushed under the Dewey carpet as per usual . . .
Wow.
What on earth?! For once words really do fail me. I have nothing!
What moron feeds someone booze after surgery?! How can you lose a sling?! I’m taken straight back to last year, arriving at Deweyland with no sign of Mum’s neck brace despite a very recent broken neck in two places . . . no care given & no f*cks given either. God, please help!
I voice my concerns to Jane & speak with Lia about all; clearly Bob’s bedside manner is no surprise as he has form for this kind of ‘care’ Sigh again – & of course he won’t entertain any input from us due to his own demons – so we hammer out the only real way forward in this sorry mess is to massage Bob’s ego to let him know that it’s great news that Mum’s heart issues have been addressed; after all, in his world this is what he believes both his sisters died of (dementia caused by oxygen starvation in the brain) & now that Mum is healed they can travel safely now & get on with booking the tickets! Fantastic news & we look forward to seeing them . . .
Mmmm, let’s see how that works.
Once I’m up-and-running in the morning myself – I need a kickstart from coffee rather than a battery – I message Gina the following:
G’morning both,
All good in Warner Woods with you guys?
Written message this morning – important . . .
Jane spoke with Bob & Mum last night – your time – after Mum had her pacemaker fitted & had just returned home.
Brace yourself . . .
Mum needs to wear a sling because her arm is in pain &, naturally, had an anaesthetic which carries specific risks . . . Well, Mum told Jane that they couldn’t find the sling & that Bob was pouring her a gin & tonic, no, wait, a small beer . . .
Mum’s words above. Not mine.
Guys, she’d been home a matter of minutes & was already being given alcohol & not being cared for suitably. Can you follow this up with authorities in any way? I shall be calling myself later today too – as this is dangerous.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you it’s *highly* likely that she only needed the pacemaker because of the damage the meds did last year – you recall, the ones with a FDA black box warning about heart issues . . .
Lord, I pray somebody hears me 🙏
Now I place all in God’s amazing hands to see where he guides us & what doors open. Ah, yes, a call to the docs & DSS are highlighted to me, as now I believe we’ve moved into the realms of negligence at Deweyland . . .
Messages fly through the ether all morning – Lia, Gina & Jane – ultimately culminating in Gina completing a abuse and neglect report & confirming she’d visit them once she got home from the office in the afternoon; let’s see if the authorities agree that losing the sling & feeding Mum booze are tantamount to abuse & neglect: simply put, Mum needs protection right now.
I continue to leave all in God’s more than capable hands whilst I take my frustrations out on polishing & waxing Lia’s car, & once I’ve returned to a near normal heart rate myself I make the necessary calls to the docs & the DSS.
Well, as feared, the calls to Adriana at DSS, her boss D’Angela too & Mum’s doc’s nurse Morgan all went straight to ansafone – so all I could do was plead that I was concerned in the strongest possible terms for Mum’s safety as she had had a pacemaker fitted under anaesthetic & was given alcohol by her husband & already had lost her sling to keep her arm secure. That’s just the start & tip of the iceberg of course. I await with baited breath a reply, although I do wonder if any one of them will actually return my call or subsequent follow-up Emails . . .
Then boom! Despite the above – in fact probably because of the above – I’m inspired to – get this – fax Mum’s doctor! Yep, 2021 & I’m relying on faxing, as despite the almost inexhaustible methods of instantaneous communication today, it seems fax is the only option for your Medical Doctor in the U.S. of Awesomeness. Mind you, my computer doesn’t exactly embrace this from across the pond in Blighty, so I Facebook Messenger Gina a PDF & ask her to fax the docs directly – which she does immediately.
The day ends silently – nothing from Deweyland all day. Nothing from the authorities. Nothing from the docs. Nothing from Gina about visiting. The silence is deafening . . .
Really, in this day & age of what seems infinite means of communication it seems nigh-on impossible to get heard. Nothing.
By Fax:
