Day #74 > TUESDAY 5th JANUARY
Normal morning, but Mum conveys that she’s not happy with life with Bob at all during our walk, in fact she says, ‘How can I address it?’ We discuss the options of put up & shut up, say something or leave. Mum is certain she doesn’t like Bob’s behaviour but that she doesn’t want to leave him on his own. I suggest she has to make her mind up at some point & we relate all to physically abused wives & how long it takes them to finally leave, even though they know right from wrong & what’s in their best interests. We discuss counselling again & Mum knows she’s not on her own in this, which is all I can really ask for.
Once back inside I ask them both what they’re hoping for from today’s visit by a nurse. Bob confirms that today’s visit is simply an assessment of Mum & Mum’s needs – which they cancelled previously because Mum had fallen down the stairs – but that he would like grab rails for himself. It’s not about you Bob . . .
I mentioned help with chores but it met with deaf ears, so I left the room to make a cuppa. Bob & Mum chatted, then discussed & then argued before I heard Mum storm out into the garden on her own. I made the tea & took it out to her – she was upset with Bob’s lack of understanding & ‘care’ for her. We touched again that she had choices to make but to look at the reality of her life her & how she felt. I left her with that & went inside, to see Bob reading his paper. I stood by him until he finally looked at me, & said ‘is the paper more important than how your wife is feeling?’ He went back to his paper. I repeated my question again & then left the room to silence. In the kitchen I heard Bob say ‘Yes!’ & something inaudible too, so I turned around & went back into the den. I sat on a stool directly in front of him. I asked him slowly & deliberately to repeat what he’d said. He said he only talks behind my back. I agreed. I then repeated if the newspaper was more important than his wife? He agreed it was: ‘Yes.’
Oh.
He then told me because I was in the house I could not use my computer.
Oh. Er. Mmmm.
I got my phone out & told Bob I was going to talk to him & record it. He said I could not do that & carried on reading. I pressed ‘record’ on my phone & then reaffirmed that he’d told me I couldn’t use my computer because I’m the house; I reaffirmed that his newspaper was more important than his wife’s feelings & I reaffirmed that he would rather speak behind my back than too my face. Bob was silent – just carried on reading his newspaper. That’s correct? Nothing.
I then told him that I was going to pull the newspaper away so we could talk as adults. He told me that I would deal with the police if that happened. So I pulled the newspaper away.
Bob grabbed my phone & said: ‘you want me to throw this?’
‘If you do there’ll be a problem.’ I replied.
‘There is a problem right now.’ He said.
And with that he shuffled outside & said: ‘Susan, get this guy out of my house.’
Well, picture the scene. He said, she said, he said, she said. It went round in circles for far too long – Mum not exactly sure what was happening – until I simply held the paper out to Bob as a destraction to calm him down. He placed my phone on the deck handrail & turned to wibble inside. He told me he didn’t want the paper as it was only a free paper . . .
I followed him inside – & Lia rang – talk about timing! – I picked up & explained the situation to her, & her voice of reason talked us through all for the next hour. Mum came back inside halfway through & embraced the call; Lia simply led us through what was important – the priority of Mum’s health & safety – & that we all wanted the same thing but were pulling in different directions. Obviously it’s hard for Bob with me in the house; & obviously hard for me with Bob’s behaviour making Mum worse, but as Mum has free will then it’s her choice as to what she wants to happen & where she wants to go. She has accepted Bob for the past 40 years so why would Bob even think about changing now? Well, because they are both changing I countered – because it’s clear to see that the way Bob treats Mum results in stress which triggers her memory issues. ‘But as long as your Mum is safe then anything else isn’t your call Tim, it’s for your Mum & Bob to decide; obviously you can see what causes suffering & you may choose not to live in a relationship like theirs, but it’s their relationship, not yours!’ she voices.
Aye.
Gotta agree. Obviously I do – I genuinely do – want what’s best for both Mum and Bob – & by ‘best’ I mean for them both to be happy; but I can’t impose my ‘rules’ on that. Yeah, fair comment.
After we’d disconnected the call, we all agreed Lia was the voice of reason. Totally.
I apologised to both Mum & Bob for overstepping their boundaries, & compounded that their safety & well-being was my only concern, of course I should not come between them. I shook out my hand to Bob, who shook my hand limply. Well, it was a symbol of peace at least.
I retreated upstairs, wanting to give them both some time alone together, which I voiced & did. As I left the kitchen I heard Bob say: ‘She’s wasted in agriculture.’ Which I believe is a reference to him thinking Lia works at the allotment – ?! – & how much sense she spoke. So pleased someone’s got through, as I was far too close to putting his nose across his face & blaming the cat . . .
Really, I nearly lost composure today, I nearly did some permanent damage. I’m so very very grateful that Lia called when she did & I had my phone in my hand by that point, otherwise I dread to think of the consequences, none of which would be good for any of us at all.
Lesson learned.
Caught up with Lia again later & ran through all – but it struck me it was the build-up that got to me: when I see Bob’s rude/obnoxious or simply uncaring behaviour bring Mum down mentally I find it nigh-on impossible not to hold him to account & make him pay. He’s responsible. He’s entirely responsible for Mum’s mental struggles. Lia counters with yes, but it’s your Mum’s choice of whether to accept that or not. I counter it was originally, but now she’s codependent she has no option. Lia plays her trump card, which is Mum has self-determination – the doc confirmed it – which means she chooses who & where she wants to be. It’s her choice, not my choice.
Again, she’s right. It’s not my place. I have wanted to bring in my own agenda which is to get Mum out of this place for her own well-being; but of course it has to be her choice; & up to this moment in time she’s swayed between Bob & I – playing us both really, as none of us know where we stand.
Oh my. Sobering. Pun intended.
We then have a visitor . . .
Before Mum’s fall & subsequent broken neck an appointment for an assessment for Mum’s general state of mind & health had been made, but alas it was cancelled due to the fall, & today is finally the day for that appointment.
The young ex-A&E nurse is ushered in, & Mum holds court as Bob voices that he doesn’t want to go through all with this nurse as he’s done it before. Oh. But he gives his outline before he leaves – about his wife having dementia but all’s under control – & Mum offers her thoughts that she is indeed forgetful, but nothing that they can’t handle. The young ex-A&E nurse wonders out loud why she’s come to visit them, so I ask if I may say a few words . . .
I gave my testimony of my experience in Deweyland over the past 10 weeks – going from dizzy alcohol-fuelled drugged up delusional old lady ‘cared for’ by immobile uncaring husband who was drinking 0.5 litres of whisky a day in a flea-infested pit to what you see today, which is a clean, healthy, fit, dry & completely unmedicated lady who suffers with old-age forgetfulness when stressed, hungry or simply left ignored for a period of time, & an angry immobile old man who thinks I am destroying his life & wants me to leave.’
Mmmm, that about sums it up.
The young ex-A&E nurse talked us through the dangers of habits & expressed delight in the changes – obviously reinforced by knowing that Dr. Lyle who had ‘commissioned’ her was aware of all that was happening here.
Bob was still in the room. But now he was trying to interrupt constantly & had lost his composure. He constantly referred to Mum as ‘her’, ‘she’ & ‘my wife’, & simply pointed when referencing me, but more telling was the lack of concern for anything her/she/wife was going through, which culminated in him questioning what on earth was the point of their counselling tomorrow at the Lexington Drug & Alcohol Center? Well, bless her, the young ex-A&E nurse took him to task with addicts behaviour, the need to address the root cause of using alcohol as a crutch & offering proactive & productive help in making life easier. Bob was cornered. Mum was nodding enthusiastically – as she has an appointment too, despite not having had a drop of drink for a couple of months now & showing no signs of needing to either – so, all-in-all a successful meeting. The young ex-A&E nurse was thanked by Mum & I – Bob being noticeably quieter now – & spent a while in her car writing up her notes. Oh I’d love to read those . . .
From there, we had a cuppa & I left the Dewey’s to it; I’m aware of my limitations today – they’re glaringly obvious – so best I keep a little bit more in the background now.
There, God’s timing eh! In case it slipped you by stealthily – but Bob listened to a lady today who opened his ears & heart to the fact that counselling could actually be constructive. Then he had another lady tell him in no uncertain terms that alcohol counselling has huge benefits, just in time for his counselling appointment tomorrow. If I behave myself too I will be less in his life today too, so he can see this way has benefits for him, as of course, Bob still needs to address Bob’s issues first & foremost . . .
I spend the afternoon typing – sigh – & again nothing really to report of the evening, although I would go as far as to say that both Bob & I were on best behaviour & made a stab at passing conversation tonight. Mum was clearly on edge about her & Bob’s assessments, & every 15 minutes or so would ask about it, so of course I reassured her about it being an opportunity for help & guidance for the future rather than being an interrogation, which helped for 10 minutes before repeating. We discussed Bob’s oldest school friend Joe at dinner, & after that Mum called me Joe all night, although she knew I was Tim, she couldn’t help calling me Joe. This is the result of stress & lack of food. The young ex-A&E nurse, no proper lunch & now the thought of a meeting tomorrow – it’s muddled her thoughts: I can see it clearly but alas I don’t believe Bob can, as he’s got his head stuck in his tablet . . .
I go to bed after the traditional evening Jeopardy & reassure Mum it’s all going to be ok, but I do pray for her to understand & see what’s happening around her, along with the capacity to remember it the following day . . .