Day #57 > SATURDAY 19th DECEMBER
Great start to the day – I made coffee & emptied dishwasher as seems to be The Way, & Mum was on good form. Liverpool had just beaten Crystal Palace 0-7 so I was in a particularly good mood, & as they’d also beaten Spurs in the last minute during the week Spurs fan Bob wasn’t watching this morning . . .
Then I witness a small miracle. I get Mum’s collar – as of course Bob hasn’t bothered, but once it’s on I notice Bob is standing there with Mum’s coat! Wow. He’s actually helped Mum with something & it’s wonderful to see. Well done Bob – from small acorns etc., etc.
I walk Mum – & Abel! – & we chat nicely. I mention Gina’s offer & she is touched & really excited about the prospect of spending Christmas Day with other people. I say I haven’t mentioned it to Bob yet so we’ll discuss it later.
That turned out to be a 10 minutes after we’d got back & were piled in the car to go food shopping. Again. Mum asked if we should get chocolates for our Christmas Day hosts – to which I replied we should get something & gave Bob the run-down on all, commencing with touching on our last conversation about Mum & Bob wanting to spend it alone, but subsequently Mum confirming she didn’t want that at all because she wanted me here; but if Bob overruled her then I only had the option of spending Christmas on my own in a hotel room unless he did what the doctor actually suggested which was to go away for Christmas himself. I asked him what he’d prefer to do? He mumbled. I asked him again – he said he didn’t mind. I asked him again – exactly the same question – & this time he said he’d be happy to do whatever Susan wanted to do. Mum nipped in & took the bait, declaring her unbridled joy at visiting Gina’s sister & she was glad that was settled.
Bob didn’t let it lie there though, oh no . . .
About 30 seconds later he volunteered that he’d already said what he wanted for Christmas . . . no one bit immediately & after a little too long silence I finally asked him what? ‘You to not be here. It’s about time you went back to England.’ Came the reply. Plus a bit more about wanting to be alone with Susan, surely I want to spend it with Lia & I wasn’t welcome in the house anymore.
We batted this around for a while – Bob with this, Mum telling him not to be so stupid but didn’t it matter at all to him what she wanted, & I pretty much kept quiet, until Bob started to get personal & insulting Mum. His usual tactic of responding to Mum’s question with another question on a completely different subject ensued, until I pointed this out to him & he called me an asshole. I got out of the car & heard Mum tell Bob off for being so rude, so I lent back in the passenger front side – right across the centre console – into Bob’s face – & slowly called him A Very Rude Man. I held my gaze. Bob didn’t hold mine. I backed off very slowly & moved away from the car.
The Two Ronnies emerged from the car & carried on bickering. I jumped in when it was getting out of hand & tried to steer them back on track, but Bob’s reasoning & rationale had gone out of the window. I tried to slow it down by telling him that I was looking him right in the eyes & asking him to simply put his wife first. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. I asked him why? He shrugged. I asked him again. He said, & I quote, ‘I never look anyone in the eye, I just don’t. I don’t know why.’ I said I knew exactly why, because eyes are the windows to the soul & show whether someone is telling the truth & is honest, honourable & a man of their word. If a man can’t hold another man’s gaze, there’s a big issue & definitely a red flag.
We batted that around for a while before Mum came to the end of her tether & said that she wasn’t certain she wanted to stay with a man who treated her & her son – her only son – like this & true to form the Real Bob appeared right on cue – as he always comes out when pushed. Bob was focussed solely on speaking rather than listening until she told him that arguing in the middle of Walmart car park wasn’t the done thing, so she was stopping this now.
Bob was having none of it. He turned to me that he’d said already said that Mum could come away with me if she wanted. Mmm. No, he hadn’t – so I told him that straight, as he’d actually said that I could stay here permanently & he’d ‘even’ buy me a car. THAT WAS NOT THE SAME AS WHAT HE HAD JUST SAID – so it was untrue – a lie – or was his memory playing tricks on him? The whiskey taking its toll Bob?
Bob shuffled around & I took the opportunity to tell him that as much as it would be a lovely idea in principle to quit my existing life to live here, alas I couldn’t because I am not of retirement age so need to fund myself, & Lia, & potentially Mum, so I need to work, & I already have an existing business at home. Additionally, in the real world – the normal world – the parent goes to live with the child, not the other way around. He was asking me to quit my life – including my relationship to Lia – to provide care for his wife.
So I turned it around. ‘Although I can’t currently care for Mum full-time here, I certainly can at home, & I would be delighted – no, I would adore – if Mum came to live with me, & now you’ve just confirmed that you will ‘allow’ it. Did you hear that Mum? Bob will ‘allow’ you to! However, this is all about what’s best for Mum, so ultimately she will decide, but as I see it you’re admitting that you cannot offer the care Mum needs & you’d be happy for her to leave you. You’re not even putting up a fight to keep her?’
Bob said that after 40 years of putting up with her he was losing patience & shrugged.
Mmmm, he was indeed losing patience. And his wife by the sounds of it.
We batted a bit more around for a little bit but I’d heard all I needed to hear, & I believe Mum had too, so we simply ground to a verbal halt & went into Walmart to shop. Bob was about 10 paces in front of course . . .
We lost him inside. How could we lose him?! He shuffles at a very slow pace, but up & down we went with no sign of him. I even went outside twice to check the car was still there as we were worried he’d leave! Eventually, around 30 minutes after losing him he appeared by the vegetables, as if nothing had happened. Honesty, there were four items on the shopping list & he’d disappeared! Mmmm, I wonder what happened there.
We finished shopping & drove back in near silence.
Once back at home it all kicked off again – essentially repeating everything again with Bob trying to worm his way out of every single thing & constantly turning a question on either Mum or I – tit for tat. We raised voices for a while. He told me to ’stick it up my ass’, I told him he was an ‘utter buffoon’ etc., etc. We got nowhere except winding each other up, especially when Bob maintains that he was never an alcoholic – even now – as he’s not been drinking for three weeks. I asked him to buy a breathalyser so he could prove it. He didn’t know where. I told him any pharmacy, & if he was serious to prove to his wife that he’d given up the sauce he’d do it. He replied that I should buy it for him. He repeated he thought I had a problem with alcohol. Sigh.
He was so wound up today that despite moaning previously that ‘it’d be nice if someone else helped with the cooking’ & me subsequently stepping forward to offer & agreeing to cook dinners for a week, he now wanted to cook. Funny that – as every plate I served was essentially licked clean – Bob does seem to get his kicks when others are serving him – but perhaps he’s not happy that it appears that he can’t cope with all the cooking, plus of course he’s not in control of all. And I’m getting muchos Brownie Points from Mum! Seriously, I suspect he wants the control back after four days of showing that ‘anybody’ can do it.
Interestingly, during our ranting, Bob did confirm that he didn’t know the difference between forgiving & forgetting, & treated the two as one. I tried to define Christian forgiveness for him – along with the Holy Spirit – including asking Bob to quote a line from the Lord’s Prayer, but he was having none of it. At. All. We also touched on spirits – as Bob confirmed that Mum had said she felt there was a bad spirit in this house. I agreed. He said it was probably due to me. I asked him when it started – was it October? No, much earlier he replied. Lovely – that confirms it was here before I arrived I countered. I asked if Bob could see spirits – he finally confirmed he couldn’t – & I told him I could. And I could see & feel the darkness in this house too, & if it was here before I arrived & it is not Mum, then it only leaves two options – it’s either the house or you.
He was silent. He had nothing. Or did he?
Then he dropped the bomb; ‘I know what, I know what’ll solve this!’ He piped up. ‘I’ll start drinking again!’ Mum exclaimed her disbelief: ‘What?!’ Bob repeated his statement & Mum’s eyes rolled around her head.
That was me done. I’d had enough. All I could do was to remind them that we were seeing the docs on Tuesday to discuss the future – we all could discuss everyone’s future there, & there’s no point whatsoever in carrying this forward now, so I’m done. I looked at Mum, made sure she was ok & we walked Abel. Fresh air always helps.
After our walk I went upstairs for a couple of hours. I wanted no part of Bob’s presence. None at all. Poor Mum. Clearly his demons are stronger than Mum & until he wants to change all I can continue to do is pray for Mum, as I have been – both on my own & with her whilst walking.
I came down for dinner – which was a chicken pie, which bizarrely was served upside-down! – baked potato & a salad dripping with sharp dressing. I ate, watched Jeopardy & went to bed, saying ‘goodnight’ to Mum in the kitchen & shouting through ‘Goodnight’ to Bob in the den. I heard a grunt. I smiled at Mum & made my way up, but stopped for a moment at the base of the stairs shaking my head at the days events – when I heard Mum say, ‘You could do better Bob – you never were blessed with good manners but when Tim says goodnight you could have the decency to reply properly.’
Bob came around the side of the stairs to turn down the central heating – & with perfect timing I said, quietly, ‘there you go Bob, goodnight.’ & walked up the stairs to bed.
I smiled a rue smile at the thought of Mum pulling him up on that & not some other element of his dark ways, but walked up the stairs still smiling that she didn’t accept everything he did.
Mmm, there’s zero sweets or chocolate in the usual tubs today. Bizarre. I’m not sure Bob could do without that and the whiskey so wonder if he’s hiding it somewhere . . .