Day #49 > FRIDAY 11th DECEMBER
Not a great night’s sleep – awake before 5.00am with mind whirring. Not surprised given the circumstances, but incredibly drained when I drag myself out of my pit relatively early & greet Mum; we both smile & chit chat. So far so good. I greet Bob relatively warmly but don’t enter into any hugging competitions. We have coffee & then walk Abel with Mum.
She seems on good form, so when she mentions Bob I ask if she remembers him telling me to leave before Christmas yesterday afternoon? Nope, she doesn’t. Mmm, ok. I ran her through his speech about testing him for alcohol any time within the next two weeks but I must leave if he’s clean, if not he will get lawyers on me. I confirmed she agreed with him yesterday, but that was news to her. She was surprised & disagreed with it as ‘wasn’t right’. I said I felt when she spent time with him she got brainwashed – & it was always in a negative way. Naturally it’s Mum’s choice what to do, but I’m very strong on her seeing all the facts & an accurate picture of what life is likely to be for her – which in a nutshell is not with Bob, because she’ll be in a nursing home the moment that he can’t cope – & there’s every likelihood she’ll be injured before then – which won’t be long. I’m giving you a chance to avoid that, I say, but I can’t & won’t do anything if you want to stay as you are. And right now that means: No company. No visitors. No life. Nothing Mum. Nothing.
I realise I’m laying it on a bit thick – but get convicted that I need to. There’s no room or time for softly-softly anymore – I need to speak to her heart, as that remembers everything despite her head often forgetting.
He brings her down, I lift her up – simple as that.
I don’t view that as a reflection on me, but as a reflection on Bob & what he does to her. She can live with me & be lifted up, or not. It sounds harsh, but I’m now having to fight my corner to deal with Bob who’s upped the anté . . .
I ensure I don’t scare the bejesus out of her though – no point in that – as only light will shine in darkness, so as well as the above there’s a lot of love & care spoken, to ensure she sees I’m by her side & not abandoning her. She won’t get rid of me that easily . . .
Subconsciously my head is also busy trying to decipher what my heart is feeling – & it’s clear that my first port of call is to speak with the doc regarding what was truly said to Bob yesterday – as his recollection doesn’t align at all with what the doc told Mum & I; then I can speak with Gina & Social Services to get a plan in place. Quite simply Mum was down when I arrived – mis-medicated, drinking, depressed, sad & lonely & doing everything she could to escape – literally – but now she’s healed of that she thinks she’s cured, but the moment I leave Bob will revert to type & she’ll be dragged back down by him, & I need social services to know that she’s at risk & will be there responsibility when I leave as it’s all there in black & white for all to see; in a nutshell when Mum spends time with Bob she’s brainwashed resulting in her being at risk – mentally and physically – so something has to be done.
Bob & Mum went out grocery shopping at around 11.00am – for once I’m prepared to let them do their worst together – but once they’re back I’ll take the car & visit the docs to see if I can get to speak with him about what happened yesterday – & then I can speak with Gina & SS. So, an afternoon sitting in a docs waiting room looks likely . . . livin’ the dream!
12.00 noon now – bit of time off till I go out.
And relax . . .
They’re back just before 1.00pm – I help them in with the shopping & confess I couldn’t help offering Bob the obligatory ‘you’re welcome’ when he didn’t say anything when I grabbed the heavy shopping bags off him and when he mentioned his shoulder hurt, ‘probably because of carrying the heavy shopping!’ I enthusiastically volunteered giving him a shoulder massage to help, which alas was greeted with ‘No no no, it’s alright.’ Oh well, it could’ve helped enormously – could’ve helped me enormously! Stoppit.
Mum & I have a cuppa, then I head out alone – phew! I visit the docs as I need to get the full SP from Dr Lyle about what exactly he’d agreed with Bob, as there’s a heck of a difference between ‘you & Susan arrange outside help for the house if Bob doesn’t admit he has a problem’ to ‘show Tim you have a clean breathalyser test within two weeks then get a lawyer to insist he leaves the house.’
Typically of a doctor, he’s not working today. Sigh. All isn’t lost though, as after giving the outline of all to the receptionist & then to a senior nurse we arrange a telephone chat with him at 1.00pm on Monday, as there’s no other way because they can’t call a UK phone from their switchboard – & of course it goes against all protocols to have someone use their personal phone to Whatsapp me, sigh – & we can’t risk an inbound call on the Dewey landline plus we can’t use MyChart as Bob’ll be keeping tabs on that, & she says it’ll save me sitting in the waiting room for hours to get a glimpse of him. Ok, that’ll do for me – I have t wait till Monday anyway, & if no call materialises then I’ll just visit the surgery until I see him.
Once I know what was actually suggested & what he thinks of Bob’s ultimatum, I can move forward accordingly, be-it liaising with Social Services that I’m being forced out & showing them the tangible improvement with Mum & if insisting that when she relapses they have been warned that it’s Bob’s sole treatment of her that put her in a dark place – there is now proof that she was neglected & abused by Bob here on her own.
Back to today, I head to the shops to see if there’s any Christmas clothing offers as I still only have a couple of jumpers & it’s chilly here in the mornings, but nothing much, so take comfort in a large plate of spicy chicken, grilled herb potatoes & a Greek salad. My gosh, I really need some decent food!
Return to Deweyland around 4.00pm after a lovely video call with Lia, which does me the power of good – as it’s been a rollercoaster over the last few days & I’m the first to acknowledge that sometimes ‘why bother!’ enters my mind, closely followed by ‘because you’re doing good.’ A rather lengthy back ’n’ forth internal dialogue usually ensues, ending with me giving all to God & pleading that I am doing His work rather than working to any agenda of my own. But deep down, really deep – belly deep – I know she’s being manipulated by the most narcissistic man I have ever had the misfortune of meeting – so of course it’s going to be a challenge – nay, a battle, & as we all know the battle isn’t with flesh & blood . . .
I take a rest from 4.30-6.00pm & join the Deweys for dinner – for tonight’s delictation we have angel spaghetti (which is really thin with zero texture) & a Bolognese-style sauce. I say ‘style’, because to me it tastes like tinned chopped tomatoes garnished with some unseasoned minced beef, but hey, I’ve eaten a terrifically tasty late lunch so I’m not fussed now. I eat politely & don’t enter into too much conversation until Mum asks me for the third time how my day went. Bob’s just taken plates out to the kitchen & this time I bite. ‘Well, it was a little tricky as I’ve got a lot to arrange Mum.’ I say, ‘Oh, what’s happening?’ She replies. I outline about Bob – & her – telling me to leave within two weeks otherwise he’ll get a lawyer involved. Mum knew nothing of this & seems confused. Bob appears at the kitchen door & says resolutely ‘No, no, there was no time period involved.’ I disagree with him ‘No Bob, there absolutely was’. ‘No!’ He repeats, parrot-like & dog-pitched. ‘Yes Bob there was, as you told me you wanted to spend Christmas alone & I should be gone by then, which means two weeks Bob.’ ‘Oh’ he says. ‘Yes Bob, do not lie to me again.’ He goes quite. Like a little boy caught out. Sigh. I look at Mum & she offers nothing. I’m tired – didn’t sleep well last night & am struggling to enter into ‘reasonable’ conversation as I feel I’ve had enough for the day. I don’t push it any further – as I know I’ll essentially be repeating the conversation with Mum tomorrow as it’s likely she won’t remember the ultimatum tomorrow, so I collect the table debris & retire into the kitchen to load the dishwasher. I make a little general chit-chat to lighten the mood, watch the inevitable Jeopardy & then retire to bed to watch a film. ‘Knives Out’ on Amazon, a black-comedy murder whodunnit, seems quite apt to what I’m witnessing in my own dark-comedy reality . . .
I sleep like a baby. Whoop-whoop – praise God, I really needed it.