Day #41 > THURSDAY 3rd DECEMBER
Up before 9.00am & as soon as I’m downstairs Mum says she & Bob are off early shopping. No problem at all I say, as to be honest I’d quite like a breather from them despite knowing that Bob wants to get Mum away from me, so I’m happy for him to feed her whatever verbal poison he wishes to, as the truth will out in the end & I’m seeing much more examples of him digging his own grave so bring it on!
I do, however, query that they’re leaving before walking Abel – that’s very odd. I ask if there’s a reason why Mum hasn’t walked him – there isn’t she says – but they need to crack on. Not a problem I say, I’ll walk him if it’s so important you go out so early. Have you got much to do? Bob confirms it’s the usual Costco-Lidl-Publix shopping expedition, so nothing special at all . . . poor ole Abel. Poor ole Mum, as she needs a walk & fresh air too. Bob’s now stopping her walk the dog to get her out of the house & away from me. How low. I let Mum know not to worry, as although she apparently can’t walk Abel this morning I will.
As they both walk out the door I let them reach the car & then go outside myself, & ask if they’ve got everything. Bob looks & finally says: ‘Susan, your collar. Go & get your collar!’ Well, to be honest it was a surprise he spotted it, & honestly I hold my hands up & say that I’m glad he did spot it, but it’s yet another example of Bob’s lack of care – as they were just off out for a two-hour shopping trip around multiple venues. I sighed & asked Bob to take care of his wife & go & get the collar himself, which he duly accepted & started to shuffle off to the house.
I beat him inside – easily 😉 – & am waiting at the kitchen island with the neck collar when he shuffles in, picks up the collar & attempts to put it back together all without giving me any eye contact whatsoever. I ran all potential options available to me through my heart: break his nose, literally, don’t bother with his mouth, just go for his nose; shouting the odds to him, talking to him like a man or even as a friend & finally simply ignoring him; in a nanosecond I chose to simply say softly but deliberately – ‘look after your wife Bob.’ He didn’t even look at me as he turned & left the building . . .
I thought I’d at least check if Mum had her collar on before they drove off, so quickly popped on Abel’s lead & beat the Deweys down the drive & started walking. Once they approached we stopped, turned & waved. Mum wound down her window & Bob was forced to stop; she said: ‘Am I missing something?’ I asked what she meant. ‘We usually walk Abel’ she said. Ah, sorry Mum, but for some reason Bob has decided today that it’s more important to go shopping than to walk your dog. Bob chips in with a ‘she can walk him when she’s back’ quip, to which I retort that that’s not very kind because Abel needs a poop & pee first thing in the morning, as he hasn’t been out since yesterday afternoon. Bob mutters something about it being cold & they drive off.
Mum did have her collar on but my first thought is good riddance. Honestly. I’m only human right, & after Bob choosing housekeeping over his wife’s love of friends yesterday he’s now sunk so low to deprive her of walking her dog today, as clearly the shopping trip is paramount. He doesn’t want her anywhere near me I think, as I usually accompany them shopping to load/unload etc. No problem though, as I have work to do . . .
Once I’m back in the house, I call social services & after a discussion with Adrianna she puts me through to her boss D’Angela. I call, leave a message & receive a return call within 30 minutes. I run through all – in much detail! – & she confirms that as long as Mum is able to make decisions – self-determination then Mum is free to make any choice she wants, including visiting another country – so we need to get this in writing from the docs. I message the doc immediately, about both Bob’s new vow of abstinence & ask for help because he maintains he can do it alone, plus book an appointment for Mum next week with him to discuss her well-being. I don’t mention self-determination in the message as Bob can read it too, & right now I feel led to keep all close to my chest.
I do a bit of work & they arrive back around 12.30pm – being out for three hours. I unload the car but don’t see any hooch & don’t really enter into too much conversation with Bob, but Mum confirms she hasn’t really had any lunch but isn’t hungry as she’s had two apple turnovers at Lidl. Sigh.
I make a cup of tea with her but she’s in a different place right now; I ask her to pass me the cups for the tea & after some looking in different cupboards she grabs the mobile phone but can’t make head nor tail of it. I say ‘no problem, can you pass me a spoon instead please’ & she gets that immediately. We continue in a similar vein & I walk her through the process of making the tea together. She seems distant – but I’ve seen her worse – although it’s no coincidence that she’s been out for three hours with Bob & she’s come back a different person. Her brain is somewhere else at the moment; it’s misfiring & it’s clear to see. We make the tea & go into the den where, naturally, Bob has one eye on the deafening TV & the other on his tablet. Mum enjoys a taste of tea & wants to take her collar off. She can’t on her own. I walk her through it & we discover that she has a mask on underneath, so we lose that. Then back ’n’ forth putting the collar on & off until she finally says that she isn’t feeling quite herself right now. I confirm that I can see it & ask what she thinks has happened? She’s not sure, I voice that she’s been out with Bob for three hours & she’s come back a different person, what the heck has happened. Again, she has no idea but right now she doesn’t have an idea about anything of consequence. What the heck? I suggest a rest – a siesta – & Bob chips in that that’s what he’s suggested previously – & she agrees so heads off for a rest. Phew.
What. The. Heck?! I try to make excuses, conjure up plausible reasons as to why three hours in Bob’s ‘care’ can leave her like this. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one little bit. Or a big bit, come to that. It’s very concerning that his presence should affect her like that. I bank it.
I head off upstairs for a couple of hours & send Lia a message which sums up how I feel right at this moment – the afternoon of Thursday 3rd December – & think it’s important to document it here:
I’ve only been here a relatively short while & I’m relatively sane & stable, but even I’m feeling the remoteness & isolation here, along with ‘am I overstepping the mark’ & ‘judging’ it all correctly? But I know that’s the enemy going ‘nar nar nah nar narrr’ rather than reality. Again, you’ve been to this place too.
What I find so weird is that Bob is a hermit that is living his life remotely via TV & tablet, but Mum craves tangible people in her life but is broken so badly that she now is totally reliant on the hermit – he’s beaten her down so much that she was literally broken.
What is wonderful – & to be honest a little bit of a surprise as I feared I may be too late – is when she manages to escape this prison she excels, but up to last month wasn’t ‘sane’ enough to see it herself, as Bob’s prescription of drugs & booze had broken her.
She’s definitely making progress, but it’s painfully slow – two steps forward & one step back – but it is at least moving forward. Docs next week will be next tick in the box to getting her outta here, as without that she doesn’t stand a chance as Bob currently has the official upper hand as the docs haven’t signed her off as having self-determination to make her own decisions what she wants to do, & as he reminds me constantly I don’t have any legal rights myself.
It’s such a slow process – I feel like I’m ‘wasting’ time – but appreciate we have to go at Mum’s pace here. However, although Bob may feel he’s smart, he’s nowhere near as smart as he believes because his thought processes are limited by his own desires & as he has zero empathy he can’t see anyone else’s viewpoint, which essentially means he cannot see how a sane thought process would work to get all in place to move forward with Mum’s best interests at heart . . .
Looking forward to seeing what God has in store for us all next.
– – – – –
I return downstairs around 5.30pm & both Deweys are in the den. Bob tells me that Mum’s only just got up. Good I think – & say – as obviously you weren’t at your best earlier & you clearly needed some rest if you’ve had a lengthy siesta. Mum agreed – as always! – but I could see she was back in the room, so asked her what on earth she thought was the matter earlier? She didn’t know, so I said again that I couldn’t understand how three hours in Bob’s company could change her so much. I was worried for her – what did they do? Where did they go? She told me it was the usual shopping trip, but they didn’t eat apart from a couple of apple turnovers from Lidl. My eyebrows raised, that she has not eaten properly all day, but it didn’t really explain her rapid drop of function. Mmm.
They prepared dinner – & I could hear Mum giving Bob a hard time occasionally about how he spoke to her – & we ate leftovers cordially, then Groundhog Day caught up with us as we watched Jeopardy & I went to bed around 8.30pm.
Abel’s still scratching. A lot. Nothing has been done as far as I’m aware.
I felt very subdued, as Mum had regressed. I wasn’t expecting that – I naively thought she was ‘cured’, but in simpleton terms a morning out with Bob compromised her hugely. I wondered what they actually did? Maybe more than solely food shopping? All sorts of scenarios whizzed through my mind, but I managed to kick em all out & just have faith in my God showing me exactly what needed to come out into the light. I slept well until 3.00am when I woke & read Lia’s message that her Mum had also been struggling yesterday, & then she called me at 5.30am & we chatted for a while before I fell asleep & dreamed about going out-out with Micky Flanagan . . . & when I woke I firmly thought I was an honoury member of this mad house! Sigh.