Day #23 > SUNDAY 15th NOVEMBER
8.00am till 3.30pm @ KL Church – fabulous. I get a chance to give my more of my testimony & described Deweyland in a little more detail – so good to get fellowship – iron sharpens iron as we know. Also had a Chinese meal afterwards as it was a pastor’s birthday & I was invited to join in. Got to be honest, I was in no real rush to get back to Deweyland, so enjoyed a spicy chicken somethingorother enormously . . .
When I get back I sense a slight divide between Mum & Bob. Mum seems to be frustrated with Bob & he’s in a dark mood. I think he’s slurring slightly & Mum accuses him of the same. I pay attention. He’s submersed deep in his tablet so we don’t talk much until dinner.
Mum & I walk Abel around 5.30pm – just before it gets dark. She says Bob has been hard work today. They are clearly not as good as they were yesterday.
A bit of chit-chat at dinner but quite quiet. To be fair I’m really tired & I’ve stuffed my face today so just want to get through dinner without having to wear elastic pants & then get up to bed. However it doesn’t quite pan out like that, as when Mum & Bob are clearing up the main course plates I hear Bob say to Mum that you don’t have to face me when you sleep, & she replies I don’t want to face you when I sleep. Oh dear.
When they both return into the dining room I say it like it is – time for some truths in this house: ‘Mum, Bob, I’ve been out most of the day but I have definitely noticed a difference since I’ve returned; Mum, you’re sharp & with-it BUT you seem frustrated or annoyed with Bob; & Bob, well, you’re slurring & you seem very angry – I’ve gotta ask, have you had a drink?’
‘No.’ he replies. ‘Well if you haven’t then I’ve got to ask – really seriously – are you alright, because I can hear you slurring & your mood seems really different, so have you had a TIA – a mini stroke? Have you had a moment today Bob – something unusual?’
‘No. Nothing.’ he replies. His eyes are nearly popping out. I can’t force him, so we talk about the day & go round in circles about how he doesn’t offer Mum any physical or mental care, which of course he rejects & goes tit-for-tat by asking who is looking after him. Sigh. He then asks Mum who she wants to care for her – which she replies with ‘after 50 years together do you need to ask?’; he bangs on about the blower spark plug again as some mad point of principle & confirms he’s blown half the drive & the front porch today plus changed the spark plug & it’s running brilliantly now. We establish it’s not actually running brilliantly at all, but is better – surprise surprise – but he confirms he is well enough to blow but his back makes him moody. That’s strange Bob, so you think it’s all in your head? We go round in circles. No admission of cold turkey being hard. Nothing. I show him love, my demeanour is calm & caring & I tell him loving things about caring for his welfare along with Mum’s – he gets cared for by default as being Mum’s man of choice! – but nothing. I say – again – as Mum’s husband he also has the responsibility of providing her care – & address ways to get to the root of problems, such as her moving the huge bottle of washing liquid that Bob says he has to tell her every day not to move – so I simply suggest decant it into something smaller. We address him reminding Susan of this as we chat but then confirming he knows she won’t remember it happening later, which seems incredibly callus, so I ask why he would bring it up now, as it’ll just make Mum feel a failure because she can’t remember it: why would he do that to Mum & not address the root of the problem instead of ramming it home that she’s forgetful rather than actually helping her? Sigh.
His eyes are dark. Reminds me of Nikos in Crete. He doesn’t look me in the eye. I tell him that. I tell him love is not standing back & watching someone destroy their relationship & their own life, but it’s actually standing up & offering to help. Love is not passive. He is more than welcome to pick up the booze again if that’s what he wants, as it’s his choice how he wants to live. I tell them both I appreciate I’m rocking their world, but Mum simply continues to thank me & agree with all I say, as if I am her voice in this – although she gives Bob a fair amount of harsh reality herself – she’s more than capable of holding her own. Bob passes the buck when questioned about anything about himself personally, & simply does not know how to answer a question directed at how he feels without deflection. I find it incredibly sad. And incredibly dark – as I know this is bringing Mum down. Bob has free will to make his own choices, but Mum’s welfare is paramount & I won’t just sit back & watch him destroy her, their relationship or indeed himself, plus that I would love to walk him through his demons if he wants to face them. I can do no more except shine my light & pray that Jesus calls him.
I go to bed exasperated but relieved more truths are in the in the light.