Day #14 > FRIDAY 6th NOVEMBER
I’m downstairs later than usual as I’m chatting with Lia till 9.30am; I make a coffee & all seems civilised. Mum & I walk Abel – no dizziness – & I run though how she’s feeling & we end up talking a lot about Bob; how he’s cold towards her but he has always been cold to everyone etc. I remind her that she gave him an ultimatum & she says she knows, so I remind her it must be hard for him right now but he can only give what he has – so it’s up to us to show love & compassion – although there’s a fine line between that & stupidity & risk, so we must be aware of our own limits of what is ‘right’ & ‘wrong’. She wholeheartedly agrees.
As the morning progresses I increasingly find Bob difficult again. Obnoxious & plainly rude at one point – as he says ‘we’re off to the market now’ & heads out the door with Mum. I say ‘Whoa there! I thought I was cooking tonight so I need to come too!’ He shrugs his shoulders & waddles off. Mmm I think, what a day this is going to be . . .
We’re out for a couple of hours food shopping – Walmart, Publix & Lidl. I amuse myself by checking out the weird & wonderful US of Amazingness produce, plus I’m cooking tonight so I pick up what we need & pay for the entire shopping bill at Publix – Bob tells me it’s expensive – ‘that’s ok.’ I say, ‘As the salmon I’ve bought is $20 so let me cover it all.’ He doesn’t argue. We have lunch at Arby’s – beef sandwiches for Bob & I, & chicken for Mum. Everyone eats well. Even Bob isn’t too bad now.
Once we return I put the groceries away, make a cup of tea & we chat about nothing much for a while, until I spy that Mum’s stealthily made her way outside with a rake in her hand. She really does struggle to sit still. I say nothing, hoping Bob spots her, when just as I’m about to say something he says ‘Is that Susan out there with a rake?’ Bravo! We watch her until finally I intercept & give her the usual spiel about light duties, taking it easy, doctor on Monday, wheelchair & stop it etc., etc. She’s good with that. She made me laugh when I told her that she wasn’t able to use the rake with her neck & she retorted that she hadn’t, she’d used her hands . . .
Bob also seems a little buoyed up catching her & they start on rearranging clothes again once she comes inside, so I tell them I’m heading upstairs for an hour or so to close my eyes as I’m whacked. Turns out 2.30-4.30pm, with the first hour fast asleep. I really needed it.
Came downstairs to hear Mum asking Bob what his thoughts were about what she’d just said. It sounded serious. I fiddled in the kitchen as long as I could but eventually had to walk into the den. Mum said to me: ‘Ahh, what do you think?’
Mum was confused again – ‘muddled’ is how I describe it to her, that she has her own timeline from being born until now, & sometimes this timeline gets muddled, so we simply try to let her know where she is at this moment in time. We have a long talk about the horses & stables along with Mum’s jobs initially, & I note that today I seem to have a very calm & gentle way about me, so I simply told her what I saw from my perspective, which of course didn’t involve horses etc. She accepted all, then out of the blue said she didn’t think she could stay with Bob any more, although she really didn’t want to leave him.
Well, imagine my surprise! With my newfound calmness I talked her though it – including Bob too, as he was on his throne of course – & eventually it became clear that Mum simply wanted to live life with Bob – not just be in the same house together. ‘What do we actually do Bob?’ she asked him.
Silence.
I tried to help – impartially – & reassured Mum that Bob was trying his hardest but it was tricky for him too as he occasionally felt he was losing his wife as she often talked about stables, moving house & things which weren’t really happening – but now he had quit the booze he had every opportunity to make life better for them both. We touched on where they lived – & Bob said he thought it was a mistake to move to Warner Woods Road – even after 30 years! – because they have no real community of neighbours so they’re on their own. I wasn’t sure about this – as he never appears to like other people! We touched on assisted living & maybe that would be the best bet – sleep on it & see where it takes you, as neither of you can look after this house alone now. I was quite honest about the state of the house & gardens, & without help it would only get worse. Mum agreed – but Mum agrees about everything really – & even Bob did not immediately dismiss it out of hand. He seemed reassured by the way the conversation went & how I led it, so definitely better to go softly-softly. At one point I said that I want to see them both happy, but if I ever see either of them in danger I will always voice it, & that might be gently-gently or much, much louder, as we’re all human & when you care you can’t always control how your words come out.
This chat above lasted over an hour & once again I was struck by how inaccurate – confused – Mum was when she talked about facts, people or her timeline, but the moment she talked about how she felt – especially how Bob made her feel & how he treated her – she was spot-on & very sharp. She had one solitary anti-depressant this morning.
Mum:
Facts – confused
Emotions – sharp
I made dinner, & Mum is frustrated that I won’t let her help! But all works out well & she eats really well this evening – in fact we all talk really nicely & it’s not forced at all. We touch on her parents & life with them when she was young & when Bob was on the scene too. I see Harry’s obituary in the paper & it turns out he didn’t like spirits either, only ale. Then wine later in life. Well, well, well!
The day ends well; Mum heads to bed around 8.45pm & me around 9.00pm. Shower, type this up. Done!
Two words spring to mind today: Love & Understanding. Love conquers all eh . . .
