Day #08 > SATURDAY 31st OCTOBER
Halloweeen. Ooooh.
Mum & I walked Abel around 9.30am – after the usual Hunt the Collar game; it was cold & Mum thought there were many Bobs & Tims again. BUT BUT BUT she said she felt good & fit & had slept very well – so first day without alcohol appeared to have some benefits.
Confused about the amount of Bobs in the house I talked her through my reality & said of course yours might not be like mine Mum, but here’s what I see & experience, & then pointed to the dog & said you remember him? She looked at him, then looked at me & said earnestly ‘of course I do, that’s Abel, you don’t forget those you love do you.’
Gulp.
I nipped next door to see Dion & Gina at 10.00am to discuss all; Gina’s a pastor & involved in social work & all things helpful, so is an enormous help both practically & theoretically. And spiritually. I stayed for over 2.5 hours as there was lots to discuss!
Gina advises seeing the family doc – Dr. Lyle – first, as essentially is the gatekeeper for everything legal & care related along with health issues. I need to confirm with him that there have been two complaints made about Susan’s welfare to Social Services – one by the hospital & one by a concerned neighbour who is a trained social worker & pastor, then present him my reports & audio & request that she be separated from Bob – initially some respite care either nearby with me (facility or hotel, or even a visit to England) to see how she improves. If he doesn’t agree say that is wilful neglect as all points to Bob being abusive & detrimental to her health & safety.
Once I have his ok – hopefully he either refers her somewhere for help & agrees it is in Mum’s interests – then give Bob the ultimatums.
I also need to discuss Mum’s deafness in her left ear after her fall & ask him to repeat what he said in his previous meeting about alcohol. Then, finally, to remind him he had not replied to my earlier messages & if I don’t receive a reply I shall take the matter much higher & does he want that?
Mmm, sounds like a plan. Good.
Returned home around 12.30pm – Mum sorting clothes & Bob watching Burnley v Chelsea Premier League. Mum is confused but quite calm, but Bob is complaining that Mum is messing up the piles of clothes he has sorted out.
I deliberately did not give Bob any feedback on my lengthy visit next door, but ask him about the doctor’s appointment & if he’s heard anything back? He hasn’t, so I tell him about MyChart & that it’s possible to book an appointment directly on there & if he cannot do it I’ll do it. He says he’ll do it so I remind him to book Mum & I in first, before him. He queries this again, so I repeat that I want to see the Dr first with Mum to address her issues initially, then I’m more than happy to go in with you – if you want me to – as of course we can’t rely on Mum retaining information verbatim, so I could be of much help. He squirms.
It sounds harsh right: this upstart entering his life & home & calling the shots? He’s been her husband of 40+ years & has handled everything his way throughout their marriage, so my views & opinions on what needs to happen to ensure a safe & happy future is not going down well. Not well at all, as I get the distinct feeling he’s starting to dig his heels in out of principle that no-one is going to tell him what to do, even if it is clearly in everyone’s best interests.
Walk with Abel & Mum, who feels a little dizzy at the bottom of the hill so we walk back slowly. She’s fine after stopping a couple of short times, although it bugs the heck out of her. She’s frustrated she can’t walk her dog.
The afternoon passes relatively smoothly without incident; Mum does indeed appear to be physically fitter today, despite her breathlessness earlier, although mentally she is confused & thinking there are many Bobs & Tims, plus occasionally others too. I simply reassure her that all is ok & talk her through my reality if she asks, but otherwise she keeps on sorting her clothes & eventually takes a nap – which Bob suggested & Mum responds to.
Bob lets me know he’s booked two consecutive appointments for 8.45 & 8.55am on Monday at the docs – although he says he’s first in. I asked why he’d deliberately gone against what I’d asked, which he replied that both appointments are really for Mum as she might need the allocated time. I queried, saying I thought the gout in his hand was playing up, & he said no, his appointment is really for his back, which is giving him pain. I got lost in his web of lies so simply said Mum & I will go in first, then I’ll come in with you afterwards & left the room. Who knows if he listened or not.
I speak with Lia upstairs – because of the poor phone signal today – & when I come down Bob seems exasperated with Mum; I ask if he’s coping ok & he replies that he’s coping fine, ‘it’s my Mum I need to worry about.’
Oh. I ask him what the problem is & he tells me that Mum has told him to get out of the bedroom whilst she finishes sorting the clothes. Mmm, not a marriage-breaker on the face of it, so I speak with Mum & together we finish off sorting her clothes & leave the room all tidy – it’s no effort at all & she’s very happy. She wants a G&T, but I say I’m afraid we have none.
They both prepare dinner & all appears to go relatively smoothly, although I can hear Bob dishing out orders & telling ‘Susan not like this’ & ‘not like that’. Dinner is served, Mum has a glass of wine – non-alcoholic! – & all goes without incident except Mum is not entirely sure who we are. Sigh. Bob enquiries about Dion & Gina – I don’t give anything away.
We watch Father Brown after dinner & I give Mum a small top-up of NA wine. She disappears into the kitchen to make dessert – which is a first – & comes back with caramel squares & white chocolate cooking buttons all resting on a bed of ground coffee. Mmmm. But really, she has not attempted to make anything in the last week, so although not perfect I see it as willing & a positive step to create & provide something for us.
At 9.00pm I can hardly keep my eyes open so I head off to bed, giving Mum a big hug & wishing them both goodnight. I’m typing this now after a shower, so maybe 15 minutes later & I can hear the ice machine going so Bob’s having a whisky refill.
The theme of the day is Mum is very easy to talk to & seems very calm & much happier in general, although her grasp on who we are & where we are isn’t very strong. Ultimately I feel she seems more content than previously, so I’m heartened. Physically she still struggled with our walk but it was definitely easier than previously. The only changes to her life are zero alcohol & some companionship from me, as Bob remains distant from her as ever.
Looking at the bottle, Bob hit a lot of whisky today. I wonder if my visit to their neighbours stressed him out – he did mention it at dinner & asked how Dion was, & I simply replied he was out working on a garden first thing but came back mid-morning & he was on good form, then they both went out to a friend’s baby gender reveal party, so gave nothing away at all about what we chatted about.
I note how quickly we’ve got the docs appointment so need to get all these messages typed out properly & hopefully printed – eek – no, I won’t have time will I – so I’ll get them formatted up into one single coherent message to present to the doc via Email or similar during our early Monday morning visit. I think timing is always important, & note we’re certainly not wasting any now, as momentum seems to be gathering pace . . .
