WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS . . .
Busy month – need to split into three sections now!
Wednesday 22nd sees no further contact from the U.S. of Awkwardness, but I do have a lovely chat with Jane just recounting all & ensuring we both are singing from the same hymn sheet in regards to Mum’s future – which we both agree is simply to be away from Bob for a while, just as she wishes – to enable her to come off the booze & meds, along with breaking his control. Looks like it’ll be a visit here or she’ll go into a ‘facility’ then – either way being a positive step forward & if it turns out to be the latter then we can get involved with a holiday with us the next step in her recuperation.
Let’s all pray that pans out.
The day passes with no further incidents – which in our normal worlds we always think of no news is good news, but in Deweyland it seems that no news is no time to message because everyone’s dealing with the fallout of a problem! Ouch.
Lia’s Mum Mary is off to hospital today for her radiotherapy tats – & potentially the start of treatment. The hospital’s 90 minutes away & only one visitor, so Lia & Mary depart on their own at silly o’clock & I’m left behind. Weather isn’t great either – with rain forecast! Ouch again! I spend my morning pottering, but ping Gina this as it may have slipped through the net:
Hey Gina,
Just a quickie as I forgot to mention it yesterday – but in the family chatty Bob admitted that Susan drinks too much.
He actually admitted it. Bare-faced & almost proud when asked what he felt Mum’s reasons were behind her feeling her relationship with Bob was over.
Jane of course followed this up just as we have – Bob essentially buying it for her along with ignoring docs/authorities RULES on mixing alcohol with meds as her primary carer (don’t forget, she’s officially diagnosed with dementia/Capgras) – but of course he couldn’t explain why he facilitated it, or indeed see the link.
Surely this is massive risk for Mum? Massive. So to say ‘she’s not at harm’ is wrong because she’s clearly at risk because it’s proven that the alcohol contraindicating with the meds ignites her anxiety which causes her to flee?
Therefore as they are both diagnosed alcohol dependents – BOTH OF THEM – Mum should be taken out of that situation, as per her wishes?
No Bob
+
No Beer/Wine
=
Better Mum
=
Safe SusanHOWEVER – discernment is required in whether to follow the above up, or to let the authorities do their thing as it stands, as Mum may need to get worse to get out – especially if Bob is going down the route of admission into a facility rather than the available & Mum’s choice of family care?
Thinking out loud really.
Friday passes quietly & most of Saturday too.
I miss a call from Mum at 7.40pm & called back at 8.20pm & eventually Bob picked up. He told me Mum had been up ’n’ down but this morning they’d been clearing ivy in the yard & were having a break. I asked to speak with Mum but Bob said she wasn’t around although shouted ‘Susan, Susan!’ quickly & then said he’d get her to call me back later, if he could find her . . .
I said: ‘That’s not funny Bob, you shouldn’t have said that.’ He replied with the same line of: ‘I shouldn’t have said that’ & hung up.
He hung up!
I messaged Gina the above, as it gives a nice & concise insight into Bob’s character & agenda.
I tried Mum a couple of hours later as naturally I didn’t hear back from Deweyland, & eventually got through on Alexa – hoorah!
Mum picked up around 10.30pm my time (3.30pm hers) & we chatted mainly about her being unhappy where she was & wanting to come & visit me – which I encouraged & steered her to getting Bob to book those tickets to visit. She was very certain & sure on visiting me. Very.
When we ended the call & said our farewells I didn’t hang up Alexa – I just muted the mic. A few seconds later I heard Mum say, very poignantly, ‘Bye Tim, see you soon.’
Then I heard Bob. Bob came straight in with wanting to visit Bermuda.
BERMUDA?!
😳
Yep. Bermuda. Just the two of them. They need to get away he said. Mum said it’s always just the two of them! Bob said that I wanted to control Mum’s life.
Oh yes.
Bob said that it would be best for him & Mum to go away together – as Lia’s family wasn’t her family & they would all try to control her. Plus Bermuda had always been on his bucket list. Mmmm. Mum capitulated & said she didn’t really want to go to Crete anyway, but did want to see me. Bob again said I just wanted to control her. Mum replied that she’d like us all to get on together & felt torn between us – ‘he’s an integral part of my life’ – but Bob said ‘Tim thinks I’m an idiot.’ Mum didn’t exactly disagree, but that comment shut that line of communication down entirely.
He said that Tim was just backing up Jane trying to interfere in their lives & – again – they should just be together. And Bermuda would be good.
If I wanted to see Mum, said Bob, I could go to Bermuda for a week, & spend a little time with her there.
Yeah, of course, Bermuda is on the US red list.
He also touched on the alcohol issue, saying that he’d researched the drugs she was on & there was no issue with drinking – as the worst thing that could happen to feel dizzy. Dizzy he said – ‘dizzy’! & they both agreed that was absolutely nothing to worry about. He then added that Mum shouldn’t operate heavy machinery either, to which Mum reassured him she wouldn’t be doing . . .
Let’s just stop there for a moment, & not forget that Mum’s just had to have a pacemaker fitted because she was constantly feeling dizzy eh. Deaf ears . . .
Bob then asked Alexa a question, then repeated it when she didn’t answer, before the penny dropped:
‘Alexa, hang up.’ He said.
You know, I’ve never – never ever – heard Bob & Mum just ‘chat’. It’s always struck me that they don’t do that kind of thing, just Bob issuing commands & Mum asking for instruction. Obviously – as you can tell my these words in this recollection, that this was no surprise, but it does show me exactly how Bob interacts & ‘guides’* Mum during this 20-minute or so assault on Mum’s feelings & wishes, as every single thing that Mum offered, suggested & wanted Bob shut down immediately & retorted with what he wanted to happen. Actually what he would allow to happen.
Interesting eh, but not news.
Additionally, I have to confess that I was shocked by how quickly Mum turned from between being 100% wanting to visit me to 100% being under Bob’s spell. Not once why they were speaking did she repeat to Bob what she’d said to me, not once. I felt let down to some extent – deceived & played if you like – & that she was just going to the highest bidder. I prayed & repented about it, as Mum is so codependent that after 40 years of Bobness how could she possibly do anything else? My role in this storyline – my sole role – is to ensure she knows she’s not alone, she’s loved & that my door is always open for her. The rest, well, that’s up to Mum.
Lia & Paul heard the entire Alexa conversation too, & we all felt nothing would change without a change to Bob. I pray that happens.
*gaslights
I sent the above info to Gina & Jane, as feel it’s important we all know Bob’s agenda here – especially his take on feeding Mum the booze, as we all want both the Deweys to be happy & healthy.
Silence remained over the airwaves until our Tuesday Family Chatty, & well, what a call that was!
The ridiculous to the sublime . . .
After the initial multiple rounds of ‘how are you?’ pleasantries, Mum ensured Bob sat down next to her & then Mum volunteered that she wasn’t happy at all. Bob said it was the first he’d heard of it, which Mum shut down immediately by telling him not to lie. He duly shut up, & then she told us she was really looking forward to visiting me & Bob would explain all. Bob blocked with a ‘you can tell him’ quip before Mum won with a forehand pass to the baseline insisting Bob tell all . . .
Bob then said, & I quote:
‘I’ve had an idea, & I think that Susan should come & visit you.’
Well, just imagine my surprise.
‘Marvellous idea Bob.’ I replied. Narcassist training kicked in nicely . . .
‘I think Susan should come & visit you if you sort out all the arrangements.’ He quantified.
Mmmm.
I enquired if he wasn’t prepared to make the arrangements himself or was simply unable to, which Bob countered with ‘I haven’t got a clue about the whys and wherefores.’ In these days of Google & very informative websites I find that hard to believe, but of course why should Bob put himself out for Mum’s benefit, but progress is progress so I’ll take the offer as it stands! I reassured them both that between us we’d sort out all the logistics & get things moving to ensure Mum’s wishes could be granted.
Bob then disappeared, true to form – I believe some laundry needed attending to . . .
Mum, Jane & I then continued our chat in a somewhat upbeat mood – hoorah! I asked Mum to search out her passport & show it to us so we could get all moving, but apart from that we focussed on life here in Crete & with Jane in HK – all the nice stuff if you like. Mum was sharp throughout, although did think Jane was in Crete with me – but it turns out Jane was next to me on Mum’s screen during our video call so she thought we were together. Hey, we’ve all been there right . . .
I came off that chat with my flabber well & truly ghasted. Could it be that easy? Could it be that straight-forward? Mmmm. I suspect not. Call me cynical, but suspect there’s more to this than meets then eye.
I was at a beach during Family Chatty, so upon my return had a look online & it does appear that Delta Airlines do indeed offer a chaperone service, although it’s a little hidden away in the website & requires a phone call to arrange all, so wondered if Bob either didn’t see that or thought I wouldn’t. Who knows? To be honest, who cares – as he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to visit himself, which is fine by me.
I made notes of all numbers, info & website & will call or – eek – ask Gina to call in the morning as it’s a right ole pain in the ariss to call the US of Amazement from Greece; last time it cost me over £20 for a call – but one way or another we’ll get there I’m sure.
I awake in the morning to messages from Jane & Bob. Quelle surprise . . .
Jane voices her thoughts that Bob is untrustworthy & she’ll believe it when she sees it; but is delighted that Susan was strong in her views to visit – especially after the stealth Alexa revelations a couple of days ago.
Now, onto Bob’s message; here it is in all its glory:
A quick follow up to your call this AM. I’ll write a longer note tomorrow.
First of all, every day is Ground Hog Day with Susan!
Secondly, I have been having severe GI problems for the past month. Luckily I have had a routine colonoscopy scheduled for Monday. Hopefully it will be OK but if they do find cancer there will probably surgery. Past tests only showed polops.
Bob
There we are, around x12 hours after speaking face-to-face he’s found an issue.
I can’t get Einstein’s quote out of my head – the one I’ve written on the blackboard at the top of this post:
Stay away from negative people,
They have a problem for every solution.
EINSTEIN
Then I’m reminded of a little quip I drew a couple of weeks ago:
Shhhhh.
I sat on Bob’s message for a while & during the afternoon sent him this:
Timing is perfect – as Mum’s visit would be ideal to break the Groundhog Day cycle, plus give you a well-earned break too Bob.
Pray it’s not serious & am sure you’ll be in safe hands with GI problems, as docs have always been brilliant for you.
I’m trying to speak in Bob’s language & keep my word count concise – but of course I don’t hold out too much hope! It’s a miracle that he’s still alive himself, & any suggestion falls on deaf ears & must come from Bob himself, so I’m not offering any suggestions or views & am simply confirming what was previously discussed along with pointing him back to his beloved doctors; it should go without saying that we all know that Mum will not be able to care for Bob if has surgery – or indeed declines in health in general – & Bob will be unable to care for Mum so something will have to change somewhere, so let’s see what his longer note has to say before jumping to any conclusions.
Obviously we knew Bob would supply the spanner for the works at some stage, & here it is poking it’s head out 🔧
No follow-up note received on Wednesday & Thursday has started quietly too. Let’s pray it continues in the same vein.
Silence indeed continues on Thursday, plus I was out-out in the evening so didn’t call then either – must must must call & get through tomorrow evening (Friday) & check-in, as the silence is deafening to my ears . . .