Day #67 > TUESDAY 29th DECEMBER
Make coffee & all good. Mum very coherent this morning.
They have no plans & I suggest today may be a good day to discuss findings of counselling & a few thoughts I have for their future well-being. Well, you’d have thought I’d have called them peadophiles . . . Bob’s faced scrunched up & his mouth did that 180-degree thing like it was about to snarl & Mum simply wanted to know more. I reassured them it wasn’t earth-shattering news, just some things I thought would help, but let me drink my coffee first, & walk Abel & howsabout we do this late morning – it’s no big deal but we do need to talk please. Blimey – I’m walking on eggshells here at the moment.
Mum & I walk Abel & I reassure her all is fine, I just want to talk about direction for the future including counselling, as suggested by Dr. Lyle. Mum’s good with this – & really just wants an end to the constant arguing between Bob & I.
Once we get back at 9.45am – Bob tells me that Trip called last night to see if I fancied meeting for coffee this morning. Sigh. Thanks Bob. I call Trip & we arrange a beer & food for this evening – hoorah! Nice – I’m going Out Out!
We start Our Chat soon after, which essentially covered the following bullet points along with the messages to & from Mount Hebron illustrating their advice:
My points – in no particular order:
– Ask them both how they’re feeling?
Mum says much better than before but is aware home-life isn’t as calm as it could be. Bob says he acknowledges Mum is ‘better’ than before but he feels I am coming between them & trying to split them up as a couple.
I reiterate my reality since I’ve arrived: That after receiving numerous calls by Bob for help Mum fell down the stairs & broke her neck; I simply felt enough was enough & that I needed to see my Mother whilst she still knew who I was & was still alive – plus to see if I could help her in any way. Bob had agreed & even offered to cover my expenses.
When I arrived in October I found Mum drinking heavily & being self-medicated by Bob whenever he felt like it or remembered. Yes, I witnessed this. She was diagnosed with Capgras Delusion (imposter syndrome) & had constantly been trying to escape the house & was in a state of fear & delusion. Add to this Mum had a broken neck (fractured in two places) when she fell down the stairs whilst carrying a pint glass of beer & when I arrived they could not even find her neck collar – let alone the culture of actually wearing it for protection – despite the history of falling over & feeling dizzy. She was walking the dog alone without the collar along a busy road, & the house was filthy & infested with fleas. I witnessed him ordering her around to get things for him, even if it involved climbing on high stools or bending down – without her neck collar – & allowing her to drink any alcohol she wanted regardless of the medication she was on.
I had addressed all this & it was clear to see that Mum has improved beyond all recognition – not just clear to me, but clear to us all in this room and to Dr. Lyle, their family practitioner, along with all friends & neighbours we’d met since my arrival.
That’s why I’m here – & the only reason Bob is constantly asking me to leave is because he feels I am coming between you both & usurping his authority as husband & principle care giver. I simply see Mum in a better place than when I arrived, & would happily step aside & let Bob care properly for Mum if he wished to. Or could.
Now, looking forward, I note that this very morning Bob has asked Dr Lyle to get referred for home help after cancelling it before; this is in response to me mentioning to you both first thing this morning that we need to talk about the future & today would be great if convenient; I’m delighted you’ve asked but am concerned that nothing has been said, done or put in place for the two months I’ve been here until the day I raise it. I want to ask ‘why?!’ But I’m desperately trying to avoid confrontation today.
Now, they will be professionals who will detail potential risks & put a plan in place to ensure both of you are cared for as best as possible. This may range from solely someone to come in & do housework or someone to pop in every day just to ensure you’re both ok & nothing untoward has happened. You’re very isolated here, & should something happen to Bob then it’s unlikely Mum will be able to call anyone, & will have to rely on a neighbour. And if something happens to Mum, then Bob’s not necessarily physically fit enough to help Mum. Why brings me on to:
– Bob’s hearing: Either nearly deaf or ignores both Mum & I deliberately. Please simply have a test by someone you trust. Reason is that if Mum ever needs to call you for help you probably will not hear. Serious.
– Drivers Licence: this will give Mum the feeling of being free & independent – which is vital for everyone, as feeling trapped could well have been a large part of her initial depression.
– House work: Dirty house – dust everywhere – fridge is horrific – general education on germs & bacteria, especially with raw food. Hands in blueberries are a no-go. Fleas.
– Rearrange kitchen: commonly used items could be moved to within easy reach from their high up homes, which means Mum has to climb on a bar stool to reach Tupperware.
– Bob constantly refers to Mum as having dementia: yet he treats her as if she doesn’t & she remembers every single thing he tells her – he acts like everything is ‘normal’ – describing everything rather than actually helping her physically, & finds it frustrating that Mum doesn’t remember what he’s ‘told’ her. He appears to be incapcable of physically caring for Mum, as his love language is simply to tell her what to do, rather than offer help, empathy, care or love.
Mum’s Memory: It seems to me Mum’s sole ‘medical’ issue now is her failing memory. This is based on spending two months with you. It’s not a constant though – some days/times/hours/moments are better than others, & I’ve been looking for a connection. On the face of it it appears she’s at her worst when her mind hasn’t been stimulated &/or she’s put under pressure or simply stressed out. She thrives on love, care & warmth, all of which Bob is sadly lacking in – in fact it’s very rare for Bob to ever speak to Mum with warmth or compassion in his voice.
– Diet, nutrition, meals & moods: Additionally, I notice that if Mum doesn’t eat properly for breakfast/lunch her afternoon/evening is more confused than usual. Food/fuel is vital, especially if out & about using up energy. Yes, there is a connection between mood & fuel.
Love: Everything will be better if we simply show Mum love. I’m here showing her love & she’s improved beyond all expectations, & if Bob steps up & is able to show Mum real love – which is putting her first – then she will be happier, & additionally he will be happier because I will have no need to be causing Bob the issue he clearly has with me, as he wants me to leave more than he wants Mum healthy & happy. He is constantly threatening legal action & saying that I’m not a guest of his in his house – but I am a guest of Mum’s. He is constantly rude & unable to put Mum’s feelings before his own.
– Alcohol: when I arrived I documented that Bob was drinking 0.5 litre of whisky per day. Every day. He was given an ultimatum to quit by Mum – ‘it’s me or the alcohol Bob.’ Bob chose Mum & this is Mum’s ultimatum & not mine!
Mum had agreed to quit within a week of my arrival, as she could see it was causing her problems & wanted to get better herself. Since that day back in October, Mum has had one sip of beer & she didn’t like the taste. She’s aware that a cold beer would be a lovely thing & says the same, but appreciates it’s not something she should imbibe at this moment in time.
Unfortunately Bob isn’t quite as clear-cut, as we were hood-winked for a month with Bob telling us he was dry before discovering he had been drinking beer & whisky, when he was caught red-handed. He reasoned he didn’t see there was an issue – & that Mum used to drink so why should he stop?
I confirmed that I’m simply following up Mum’s wishes that she does not want to spend her life with an alcoholic. She sees it. I see it. She wants the best for you as I do.You are both getting older & you cannot continue how you did 20, 30, 40 years ago.
Help & Assistance: Your family practitioner Dr. Lyle – your long-suffering trusted family friend Dr. Lyle – wants you to get help & not do this on your own. He told you there are issues – it wasn’t up for discussion & he confirmed you need some help in this.
And I admit I am not the right person to give Bob help.
I’ve followed up the doc’s recommendations, & this is how I got on with Mount Hebron as suggested . . .
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Email to Mount Hebron Counselling – to confirm an earlier conversation:
On December 28th 2020, 1:59 pm “Tim Allen” <hello@tim-allen.co.uk> wrote:
Hello there Kim,
Thanks for your ear on the telephone a moment ago!
I’m just following up our call, in that I’d like to arrange some counselling for initially for my Mum & my stepfather along with myself & then simply between husband & wife with a view of looking at how they can honour & respect each other as they live out their ‘old’ age & future together, along with ensuring adequate care is in place for them both.
I reiterate that their family practitioner (Dr David Lyle, Lexington Medical Center) is aware of all, as are social services, due to the increasingly poor mental ‘health’ of my mother including a broken neck.
Since my arrival two months ago there have been no more ‘incidents’, she’s quit drinking alcohol & is now completely medication-free (hoorah!) & we’ve seen an incredible turnaround resulting in her having no recurrence of Capgras Delusion (imposter syndrome) & nothing more serious than ‘old age memory issues’! Her husband claims t have quit drinking, although refuses any help & is increasingly hostile towards me as I’m – in his eyes – making his life worse, not better – so we have friction in the household despite Mum’s astonishing recovery.
Please do shout if you’d like more information, but I’d love to get the three of us talking to a Christian who’s familiar with narcissistic behavioural traits along with solid grounding for life as we get older, as alas at some point I need to return home to England & I’m fearful of them both returning back to square one upon my departure.
Look forward to hearing yours & your colleague’s thoughts.
Many thanks
Tim
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Reply received from Mount Hebron:
On 28 Dec 2020, at 17:07, Mt Hebron Counseling <hebronpcs@gmail.com> wrote:
Good afternoon,
I spoke with our director, Donna Jones, and she recommended that you contact LRADAC (Lexington/Richland Alcohol and Drug Abuse Council) for your mother to make an appointment for an assessment (their intake appointment) for their Adult Outpatient program. Phone them at 803-726-9400. They’re available Monday through Thursday, between 9am and 3pm.
It is wonderful that your mother has made such a positive turnaround since you’ve been here, and Donna agrees with you that returning to alcohol after you leave is a definite possibility. LRADAC’s licensed clinical counselors offer counseling that would include making lasting changes in regards to behavior and addiction issues. LRADAC accepts insurance and their location in Lexington County is 1068 South Lake Drive, Lexington, SC.
Donna was unable to speak to you directly as her calendar has back-to-back appointments today, but thinks that LRADAC is the best choice to begin counseling. She wishes your family the very best for the future.
Thank you,
Kim / Office Admin
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I read both Emails out to both Mum & Bob & confirmed that I would follow this up, initially asking for an appointment for the three of us together, & then just for Mum & Bob together which would be an on-going process for the two of them to start to pull together for their future life together, & if all went to plan & everyone was happy I would depart back to England after the first group meeting.
Bob was not happy – of course – & kicked up a fuss, trying to lead us down all kinds of rabbit trails including once again insisting that he was no worse than a heavy tea drinker, suggesting that I had promised to leave if he quit drinking & that he would call LRADAC to arrange a meeting for just Mum & him, but I wouldn’t be involved. ‘No.’ I simply said, ‘it’s not your call to make Bob & I’ll do all required.’ Mum agreed as he really wound her up today & she was very very upset with him, as he couldn’t answer a simple question coherently without passing the buck. She asked him if he loved her, & although his words said ‘yes’, the tone of voice & spirit on them did not agree. Quite the opposite – & Mum felt it too. My eyes met with Mum’s & I knew she knew. Very sad.
I’d heard enough & left them to it – I recorded it but it’s so sad & pathetic I don’t even want to listen to it, as it simply enforces what a pathetic man Mum is choosing to stand by. Again, I can’t make the horse drink eh, & it’s not my place to split them up, but it is vital Bob is dry to ensure he can be the best husband he can be & care. Mum deserves the best.
Yet another couple of hours of our lives we won’t get back with this ping-pong blame-game, but the upshot was that counselling was agreed & that I had been able to voice my concerns & suggestions for them – I can do no more, as they are both grown-ups. I gave Mum a hug & went upstairs for a couple of hours to purge myself of the frustration & anger that had built up. I had a lengthy chat with Lia – which always helps – & closed my eyes to pray.
An hour later I woke & it was time to get ready for Out Out. Trip picked me up & we went to a local brew pub & had a couple of beers along with a big ole dirty burger: just what the doctor ordered! We talked solely about cars & Marxism all night – as you do – & this 70-year-old ex-engineer & car nut restored my faith in friendship & life outside Deweyland – Hoorah!
I slept very well. I haven’t had a drink since Thanksgiving on the 26th November at Gina’s – & that was ‘just’ a little slosh of wine in the punch – so a couple of beers was A Big Thing for me! I’ve been trying to show solidarity with the Dewey’s of course, but well, we’re all human eh . . .
