Day #51 > SUNDAY 13th DECEMBER
I’m up early as I’m visiting Gina’s church today. Spend a couple of minutes watching the F1 as Bob’s in pole position in the den already, but I do see Mum & she seems in good form this morning. She doesn’t have her collar on, naturally. As I’m leaving I pop my head back into the den & say ‘Bye Bob, I’m off now – see you later.’ He literally grunts at me. Mmm. Mum hears it & we both raise our eyebrows. I say ‘I tried’ & give her a kiss & let her know I’m used to it & I hope her morning with him is better . . .
Good to visit a new church – Lutheran today – very formal but Gina brings a bit of life & humour to proceedings, although there do seem to be more helpers than congregation but everyone is very friendly & of course it’s tricky times with Covid so I’m simply grateful to be able to be out-out & spend some time with God & without Bob. Ouch.
Chatted with Lia on the way back & discussed Bob’s new-and-improved ‘come ’n’ live here’ offer; we both agreed it was an amazing turnaround but had underlying connotations; firstly, Bob’s offer of me moving in despite our obvious clashes indicates that he does need help caring for her (ask him outright!) and as I’m not retired I have a business to support myself, Lia & potentially Mum too, so as much as I appreciate his offer it’s financially unviable for me & of course, he’s asking me to chose between Mum & Lia, but I could take Mum back to England & look after her there whilst also working. Mmm – take that! This called for a celebratory coffee – so I stopped off said coffee & a great big dirty breakfast at Waffle House – hashbrowns, eggs, cheese, steak, jalapeños & lashings of pepper & ketchup. Mmmm. Yeah yeah, I’m still work in progress too . . .
Back at Deweyland & all seems ok. Mum still doesn’t have her collar on & she tells me that she and Bob had walked Abel – which is the first time in six weeks I’ve known Bob to walk Abel with Mum – but she did not have her collar on. Blimey, 100% increased risk of fall as both Abel & Bob were likely to pull her over & no collar . . . I ask where it is & she had no idea & couldn’t find it.
Oh dear.
She’s happy to see me nonetheless & we share a cuppa. Then around 10 minutes later she says ‘We need to talk Tim.’ Oh my, here we go again. ‘Ok Mum, of course, let me have a wee first.’ & I have a wee & prep my brain & heart for yet another round of Bob vs Tim Whilst Completely Ignoring What’s Best for Mum. We sit outside in the garden for a change – just Mum & I as Bob says it’s just Mum who wants to speak to me – also a change. Ok Mum, fire way . . .
Round the houses back ’n’ forth she goes before eventually saying that she thinks I should leave. I don’t put up any fight, I am understanding to her ‘plight’ & let her finish her many varied trains of thought, actually helping her construct sentences & keep focus on what she’s trying to say when she gets lost!
Once she’s said all she wishes to, I reassure her that I simply want what’s best for her & ultimately what she wants for herself – which is a happy, safe & contented life. However, honestly I cannot see it happening here because of X, Y & Z that I witness, but Mum it’s your choice of exactly what you want to happen in your life. She softens towards me – again – & it’s not long before she’s agreeing wholeheartedly that Bob does not have her best interests at heart – in fact Bob has Bob’s best interests at heart – & it’s sinking in that the only person in the house now who has a problem is Bob. Mum confirms that she only wants me to leave because Bob isn’t happy, & she herself doesn’t want me to go now.
‘Why would Bob want me to go, considering that a month ago he was calling me & almost begging me to speak with you & welcoming me to visit because he couldn’t cope?’ I ask. Now – & only now – you’re on the up-and-up Mum, Bob has decided that his life is worse so wants me out. He never once looks at your needs or wants. He constantly accuses me of insisting that he give up alcohol, but actually it was you who gave him the ultimatum – yet all his issues are directed at me. How is that in your best interests? ‘Why has Bob got a problem?’ I say, ‘Why?’
Well, the silence was deafening. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t actually asked him.’ Comes the reply. I suggest it would be beneficial for Mum to know exactly why Bob has a problem with me when you don’t and that you’re clearly fitter, healthier, sharper & happier since I’ve arrived. I wonder what he’d say? She didn’t know. Why would he offer me the opportunity to stay her indefinitely yesterday yet talk to you this morning whilst I was out leaving you with the impression that he didn’t want me here. I say it doesn’t add up that you were the one suffering Mum – broken neck, meds & wine cocktails, fed antidepressants, yet when I’m here & you’re happy Bob is the one suffering!
Yep, she was now firmly coming back to England with me. It took around 30 minutes for this swing, but she was adamant she didn’t want to continue with her prospective future here & we discussed passport, driving licence, how to leave & what to do next. I suggested we don’t rush but she tells Bob whenever she’s ready – but in the meantime I would work on her passport – as she believes hers has expired – & we’d go from there. Should she change her mind I will continue to get all services in place so that I feel she’s in good hands when the time comes for me to leave, which should be two/three weeks. I’m not convinced she won’t swing back in the other direction so keep all options open & continue too hold all lightly, as I ensure in no uncertain terms that Mum’s future is in her own hands – she just needs to follow her heart once she knows all the facts & can make an informed decision.
And stick to it!
She asks me why? ‘Why what Mum?’ ‘Why are you doing this for me?’ I give her the full honesty package:
‘Well, it started with you giving birth to me – conceiving, carrying & birthing me – & then doing what you felt was the best for me,’ I say. The poignancy of abortions being legalised the year before I was born wasn’t lost on me either.
‘I don’t hold a grudge & I believe you had my best interests at heart. Now, after 50 years of robbery we’re able to meet up again & I feel that it’s normal & simply the right thing to do to step up if I see you in need, & oh boy I’ve seen you in need recently Mum. And, I like you. Yes yes I love you of course, but I like you – I really like you, it’s that simple! I like your company, I like who you are & what you stand for & I feel our connection – so I want to help you & be here for you. I want to help & I’m in the fortunate position of having the opportunity to help, so I want to do the right thing by you now.’ She smiled & welled up.
Go orn, get yer tissues out . . .
She thanked me, of course, very politely, & we laughed & joked a bit along with discussing the technicalities & how we’d move forward again – which I reassured her was at her pace & whatever she felt like doing, as it’s entirely her decision. Naturally, I’m fully aware she could change her mind at any moment.
Which as it turned out was a full 10 minutes later.
We went inside, chatted with Bob a bit who was very stand-offish – so Mum & I took Abel for a walk & about 15 steps away from the house she announced she couldn’t do it. ‘Do what Mum?’ ‘Leave him – I can’t leave him’. Swingggggg. Oh dear – not exactly a surprise but I guess the timing was quick, even by Mum’s standards. I reassured her that whatever she chose counted & confirmed that I’d be here for a while putting some stuff in place to ensure she had help here even I wasn’t around, but not to rush into anything & we’d simply focus on ensuring she had a passport & was happy & move forward one day at a time. She was hugely reassured by this & we moved on.
Phew. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Poor lady is torn up between leaving her narcissistic husband who she knows is bad for her – & that her future is very dim – vs the guilt she feels for walking out on him. Lord, I pray you show her your truth, your light, your love, your mercy & your grace to see Mum through this season & steadfastly en-route to her future.
We walk Abel & pop in to see Brenda & Trip; Brenda’s ankle’s now been operated on & she’s recovering well – but Trip’s feeling the stress of being nursemaid! He invites me to visit the BMW museum upstate in a couple of weeks, as I do believe the poor fella needs something car-related to take away the pain of hoovering, dusting & an invalid wife with a loud handbell . . .
Back to the house & Groundhog Day evening ensues. I try my absolute bestest to be pleasant to Bob – & do a fair job even if I say so myself – but his insistence at turning any subject back to himself really does get on my nerves – his ‘me me me’ ways & ridiculous little boy noises he emits without knowing – funny little involuntary whimpers, very odd. I console myself that earlier he knew Mum was going to ask me to leave, yet we spent a couple of hours chit-chatting in the garden & now we’re moving forward with the day without telling him anything. Alas I fear that Mum is in for a grilling later, but there’s every likelihood that she’ll forget the finer points & we’ll pick up the baton again tomorrow. His dastardly plot has failed – hoorah!
Dinner – TV – bed. Done. Sigh.