10-04-42 – 22.11.22
Bob passed away unexpectedly this morning, Tuesday 22nd November 2022.
It appeared to be quick, as Mum woke to find him fallen out of bed & not able to get up, so se went to neighbour Bill’s for help, & by the time they returned Bob was gone.
End of an era.
He wasn’t exactly a picture of health – currently he was recovering from a broken arm after yet another fall – & Mum couldn’t confirm if Bob was alive or dead when she went to get help.
Bill had alerted Gina who sat with Mum whilst the medicals & legals were completed & scooped her up to stay at hers for the night once they were freed – this is the US of Awesome Lawsome of course, so a coroner was required & ultimately noted cause of death as cardiac arrest.
Since we’d seen Mum back in June in Blighty, she’d been gradually losing grip on her relationship with Bob again, & the weekly calls became more & more agitated, with Bob increasingly regularly asking us to calm her down, as she was becoming too much to handle & escaping whenever she had the opportunity. Again.
Ultimately I constantly held out my outstretched arms & pleaded:
“Mum, Bob: You’re both welcome here & we’ll ensure you’re both loved, safe & well cared for.”
And of course as per usual Mum voiced that she’d love to come but Bob refused point-blank & absolutely-under-no-circumstances-whatsoever would he contemplate ever living in England, so they both stayed put, rejecting all offers of help – or change – living their solitary lifestyle within their isolated Warner Woods prison, yet increasingly relying on phone calls across the world to pacify Mum along with concerned neighbours who tried their very best to ensure Mum’s Houdini acts & Bob’s constant injuries were dealt with.
I had tried my best & ensured they both knew they were welcome, but again fully accept that they both have free will to live their lives as they chose, even if Bob’s will is a little ‘free-er’ than Mum’s, but nonetheless, I accept their choice.
Back to the present, & right now Mum’s not entirely sure what’s happened – as Bob doesn’t register as her current husband – so she’s aware of a kerfuffle & that something’s ‘up’, but she’s not consciously grieving the passing of her husband.
40+ years as a codependent wife, with all decisions taken out of her hands & being told what to do & when to do it, have left its mark, hence Bob choosing Pastor Gina next door as legal Power of Attorney to take care of Mum should he pass first. Makes perfect sense: Pastor who lives next door, trained in social care & getting things done handles all from next-door whilst we all come to terms with what Mum’s future looks like.
Unsurprisingly Mum didn’t settle well at Gina’s overnight, as obviously everything was different so Gina checked her in to a local mental health facility for 24-7 care in the morning & made it clear to Jane & I that she couldn’t cope with this kind of behaviour & the demands of full-time care – which let’s face it are a lot for a serving Pastor with her own flock, along with a family of her own. Ok, far from ideal, but understandable in the short term. It’s a massive change in Mum’s life – on every level – & no one is entirely sure how she’ll handle it & what the future holds, but I lay my cards on the table & make it clear to Gina from the outset:
“We want Mum here with us.”
Let’s get this straight – we would love her to come & spend the rest of her days with us. It’s the most natural thing in the world for an ageing parent to come & live with their child, & both Lia & I would love Mum to be with us, whether it’s living all under the same roof, an annexe, a separate house or flat or if it comes to it even in a care home – however it pans out – to be close & in each others lives feels right. We’ll be here for her, forever, come what may. I believe they call it Faaaaaaam-leee in ’Enders . . .
But for now we need to let the cogs of the American mental, legal & social system get rolling & technically there’s absolutely diddly squat I can do, as Gina is PoA & Mum signed me away years ago so I’m logistically, practically & legally in no-mans land & hold zero authority. Within 24 hours Mum finds herself holed up in a ‘care’ facility with Gina visiting when she can amongst wading through stacks of paperwork in her capacity as PoA to ensure Mum’s affairs are in order, & everyone agrees the priority is Mum’s immediate well-being in this strange new world of hers whilst logistics are worked out.
Mum’s sister Jane & her husband John manage to arrive in the US of Attorneys from their home in Hong Kong within a couple of days, & are immediately visiting Mum daily to try to make her transition to her new life as painless as possible, & practically J&J wade through 30+ years of living in the same house & all its associated hoarding, along with ensuring Mum has everything she needs to live comfortably in her new ‘home’; it’s a heck of a job, as the picture emerges that Deweyland wasn’t exactly spick ’n’ span – far from it – but they’re on the case & everyone’s pulling together. Nice.
Which as it turns out is not an entirely smooth transition for Mum, as the huge changes in her life & daily routine along with no constant companion & familiar face whenever she needs it seemingly knocks her for six as she declines rapidly over the next couple of weeks until she is admitted to Urgent Care with a suspected UTI as her behaviour is very agitated – for it to emerge that she’s been mis-medicated again.
Again.
This time she’s been double-dosed on a nasty anti-psychotic nutter drug. How?! What is it with medication & Mum not mixing well?!
Jane & I have a lengthy phone chat about this, & I’m ashamed to say my emotions & frustrations poured out & Jane bore the brunt, as all I could see was Mum failing & not being where she wanted to be, despite ladies on the ground.
I outright reject the thought of Mum being left alone in a ‘facility’ once Jane’s returned home, immersed in ‘the system’ of reliance on the US of A-medication to dispense meds like Smarties, plus I truly know Mum thrives on & actually needs love to live & over time Gina’s focus will return to her family & flock, so it fills me with dread to imagine her locked up in a strange world with even stranger people doing unfathomably strange things without receiving love from those she loves. Sigh. I properly vented at Jane.
Why was it ok to leave Mum in this place at the mercy of unproven doctors now?
Jane didn’t deserve my attack as she’d dropped everything & was there on the ground, & I was not. I found that frustrating too, as I’m being fed information & I only know what I’m told, but I’m really stressed by the obvious rapid decline as it really feels like history is repeating itself & no one is heeding the warning. No one. Mum is too delicate for this to happen again. Naturally Jane confirms she’s doing what she feels is best – along with Gina – & feels a care home & meds are the way forward with no more that can be done; her hands are tied & Gina firmly has the reins.
Mmmm.
I didn’t agree & told her so, which of course went down like a lead balloon. It upset Jane – actually, I upset Jane greatly by pointing the finger at her, rather than the system & potential options available to Mum – & my tone was harsh. I overstepped the line & it didn’t go well; tact isn’t my forté, as is well-documented, so I struggled to convey my thoughts kindly & found myself on the attack & feeling I needed to fight for Mum’s future – which was no use at all, as what use is my opinion when I’m not physically there to action it? I took my frustrations on the last person who should have to endure it, so once I’d come back down to earth I voicemailed a sincere apology for all, & truly meant it.
Ultimately I believe that call left a sour taste for both of us, & I for one adjusted my tone & expectations after that day, as it was plainly obvious I’d caused damage & that was the last thing I wanted to happen. Nothing changed for Mum though, which was also a lesson in my role here.
I do pray that I receive more grace, & am able to communicate with love & understanding, as it matters so much in this life. Loud mouth know-it-alls do not.
Thankfully the mis-medication is picked up by Gina, & Mum is titrated off the high levels of US of A-Pharmaceutical knock-out pills – resulting in an immediate improvement in her demeanour. Phew.
Gina, Jane & John continue to visit Mum regularly & seem to have a grip on all, with Mum improving mentally to the point where they all agree Mum would be far better in a less, err, ‘severe’ dementia facility in the new year – hoorah! I think.
Jane & I gradually rebuild communication – & trust – in our subsequent video calls with Mum, & we’re all chuffed with this improvement & look forward to Christmas & what 2023 has in store for us all.
Merry Everything