MONDAY 13th JUNE . . .
Normal start to the day with Lia & I enjoying coffee in the garden before she sets off for work at 08:00 & I hammer away at a laptop until the Deweys surface; true to form, Bob appears just after 09:00 – I make him coffee & he installs himself on his throne until Mum appears just before 10:00.
Oh.
She has the biggest fat lip I’ve ever seen. With a Groucho Marx style half moustache bruise. Ouch.
I heard her fall out of bed at 04:00 – ‘as usual’, but unfortunately didn’t give it a second thought that she’d hurt herself, as it seemed a regular occurance that she’d just bounce & carry on sleeping.
Alas this wasn’t the case today; I was mortified – this had happened on my watch as it were & I felt guilty – so what did I do? That’s right, I launched into them both about this happening every night & none of us do anything about it! I was angry that Bob hadn’t addressed the issue just as much as I was angry that I hadn’t too. Mum took the brunt though, as she kept brushing it off as ‘normal’ but I wouldn’t let it lie. It is absolutely not normal! I’d already mentally stripped the bedroom of all sharp edges but logistically the obvious thing was to put a couple of pillows on the bedside table, which we all finally agreed on.
I then suggested Bob get Mum her breakfast, & he duly did for once. The first time here actually. Cheerios with a chopped up banana rather than the granola with various berries & natural yoghurt she’d become accustomed to here, & unfortunately he pushed my button by opening a brand new milk rather than use the the freshly opened one & well, let’s just say That Don’t Impress Me Much. I asked him to please have some consideration & respect for us here, which of course immediately got his back up & we ping-ponged insults for 10 minutes or so until I stopped the madness & went upstairs; but then I heard him involving Mum into his bitterness, so down I came & picked up with him where I’d left off, telling him in no uncertain terms to leave Mum out of this. Ping. Pong. The fly-bitten cheese came up – he said he didn’t know what to do with it. Ping. He was a grown-up, I retorted. Pong. Surely he was capable of clearing up & looking after cheese if he was capable of looking after Mum? Ping. It’s not his house, he replies. Pong. Did he need a hand wiping his own arse I asked? Ping. No, no, I didn’t say that, but that was the level we were rapidly approaching as we bickered like school kids until I simply stopped.
I just stopped.
I took a deep breath & felt an overwhelming feeling of sinking too low. I’d had enough. Done. I felt broken by this madness. I emotionally snapped & knew if I carried on I’d just make everything worse just to prove a point that wouldn’t be heard, so took a bite of humble pie & stopped. Then apologised.
Oh.
I apologised for the way the morning had started & my reaction to all, which cleared the air slightly & when I asked if Bob had anything to add, he mentioned he was worried that when I left for work Mum would lose it with him – because she’d be confused.
The gravity of the situation was obvious to me, & I felt that I was clearly responsible today for making things worse – so I admitted that & told them both, in no uncertain terms, that I was sorry for biting but felt Mum was being unfairly treated & Bob was responsible – because sometimes Mum isn’t aware of what’s going on & Bob does actually live in reality – but it wasn’t my place to do anything more than ensure she was safe here – hence my concern & reaction over her split lip & Groucho tash.
I also voiced that as we were being honest & open, I wanted them to know that I felt their lifestyle was making Mum worse but they carried on the same so nothing ever changes, & it has come to a point where Bob always relies on me to be at the end of a phone line to calm Mum when he needs it, despite him allowing everything to continue to happen to wind her up & bring her down.
My tone & approach was heartfelt & somewhat emotional – it wasn’t a dig & it wasn’t insulting or confrontational – it was simply trying to stick to the facts as I saw them, & illustrate the reality they were both living in nowadays; we hammered out ‘care’ the perceived lack of, & eventually reached a level of decency & calmness – we had cleared the air.
We all knew where we stood – I was not responsible for either of them, despite whatever I see & whatever I feel – but I am responsible to behave decently & honourably to them both. Actually, I took one for the team, because I knew in my heart of hearts that my ways were making things worse & Bob was very likely to take his own frustrations out on Mum whilst I was out, so I ate second helpings of humble pie.
I know the real truth, which is all that is truly counts – along with coming to the realisation – finally – of ensuring I actually enjoy time with Mum whilst she’s here, & not make life worse for everyone. It’s a tough balance to achieve, but I can do better.
They have to want to change, right? Currently, it’s as clear as day they don’t.
I left for work & spent a couple of hours calming down before returning home for Family Chatty with Jane. This went pretty well until Jane asked Bob how all was going with Mum & what their future was looking like with the options he had given her in the run-up to their visit – but now he was denying them. Oh. Jane confirmed he that he had said it was an option for me to go & live in the US with them, but this was news to me today . . .
Now this was suggested by Bob during my lengthy visit last year – & I believed I’d communicated strongly enough to leave him in no doubt that this definitely was not a viable option for their future, for many reasons – including my career; my relationship with Eva & our subsequent relationship with all of her family – both here & in Crete; vaccination status & the general expectation that I should drop my existing life to care for them, because care is what they need – but apparently Bob still thought it was & had voiced it to Jane. Mmm. I questioned this view & his expectations of me & my life & we quickly descended into a shit show, with Bob lashing out at everything, getting into a tizzy & generally acting like a berk.
Sorry, but berk sums it up perfectly.
As we reached a crescendo Jane was trying to diffuse all, I halted everyone & tried my very best to put everything in perspective; I voiced in plain terms that I simply wanted to help them at a time when Mum keeps crying out to me for help, but can only help in England – so if they want me I’m here & will do all I can to ensure their future is bright, including as discussed look at options of new housing for Mum if Bob arranges all, but if they don’t want to change their existing lives & lifestyle please say so – so we can all move on with our lives & know where we stand. Bob bottled it then, & said he was in the process of evaluating options, so I simply repeated that I was able to offer them care if they wanted it – the UK – but not in the US. Jane poignantly mentioned that playing emotional ping pong with the constant calls from Mum to me for help but doing proactively changing their lives were damaging & reminded Bob that this wasn’t their first visit here to evaluate Mum’s quality of life, but nothing ever changes & action needed to be taken to get off this existing merry-go-round.
I confess at this point I’d given my all & due to the lack of coherent discussion about all options I pretty much switched off. It was clear to see Bob lashes out & Mum always backs him up, so despite me thinking I can help because I believe I can see the root cause of their issues – which for the record are Mum feeling unloved, being bored & sinking into a depressive state of mind because she is unhappy at having nothing to do & no-one to interact with; being fed junk food & beer whenever she wants & strong medication whenever Bob wants – & repeating this stress, distress & confusion on a daily basis because nothing ever changes. They are totally co-dependent upon each other – one for direction & the other to direct, & above all I have a yearning to fix what I perceive to be absolutely fixable, but today it all changed.
It changed to something altogether more healthy: it changed to me being here to help if they needed me to be, but not at the price of making Mum worse or, seriously, my own sanity.
Game-changer.
The rest of the day passed relatively quietly; I didn’t get too close & let all wash over me. For once.
Bob spent all afternoon on his tablet whilst Mum & I did some pruning & work in the garden, made a juice & then went for a long walk around the park, where she exclaimed her concern for Bob’s health. I nodded in the right places & simply suggested she speak with him & his doctor about her concerns if she wants to address any issues, as none of us are getting any younger, but how lovely it was to see her & that she was looking well. We smiled, laughed & joked & enjoyed time together, which was medicine for us both.
Bob spent all early evening on his tablet & Mum decided to stay with him rather than come with us to the allotment to water etc.
Bob spent the rest of the evening on his tablet whilst Mum, Lia & I chatted.
Bob also decided that he & Mum are off to London tomorrow – so I can drop them at the hotel (above the pub) between 09:00-10:00 in the morning where they’ll leave their bags & make their way to London from there. Apparently.
I can certainly be hospitable & ensure they are happy, safe & well cared for whilst here, but at the same time I am overjoyed he’s leaving already. Yep, I typed that out loud. I’m sad Mum is going away, but accept she chooses him every time.
It was very poignant that at around 16:00 this afternoon Mum did not ‘dispappear’. She was absolutely fine today, which I believe is the first time since the Deweys went to their hotel last week – isn’t that something! The first day Mum is with us & doesn’t spend time in a pub – she had zero beer today – she’s ok. Mmmm.
Mind you, when Lia & I return from the allotment & walk in the living room around 20:00, Mum hastily puts down a big ole can of Doom Bar ale, so she didn’t quite manage all day without a beer. And sure enough, true to form a couple of hours later she was very muddled & needed a lot of help to get to bed & sleep soundly.
I didn’t hear a ‘Thunk!’ In the night. Phew.
Be happy – just be happy. And if you’re not, change what you’re doing.